As the commitment begins to turn toward beginning a family together, the connection provided by marriage becomes even more necessary, Haltzman said. “I would say it is universally recognized that the most ideal way is to raise children with their biological mothers and fathers, so the decision to marry is not just about having a life partner. It’s about establishing a life trajectory and putting it on the best track possible,” Haltzman said.
Lowe said that though more and more people choosing to live together without marriage, there is still some sense that the way to further the commitment is to enter into a marital relationship. He said that younger people who have grown up in a culture in which divorce is prevalent are not being scared away from the commitment marriage provides. Instead, they are looking at the failed relationships around them and believing that theirs will work out differently, he said.
MAKE IT WORK -- WITH SOMEONE ELSE
Even those who have been divorced tend to believe that the match was not right, but marriage will work again. Haltzman said that the desire for marriage was strong enough to try it the first time, so it is likely the desire will remain. “Did their experience prior to the divorce leave them feeling as if marriage as an institution should be avoided, or do they think they married the wrong person?” Haltzman asked. “Generally, it’s the former.”
He said people generally blame the failed marriage on reasons other than the institution itself: they married the someone with whom they were incompatible, or they were too young. “The fact of the matter is, it probably wasn’t that they married the wrong person,” Haltzman said. “They probably didn’t understand all that went into being married.”
One failed marriage does not mean that marriage will never be a success, Haltzman said. It means that the person did not have the skills to make marriage work at the time, he said. “Those skills are learnable, trainable, but they are distinctly unromantic,” Haltzman said.
The skills needed, he said, are communication skills, listening skills and understanding one’s expectations in marriage, he said. “The people who are really happy in marriage, are the ones who put their partner’s needs first,” Haltzman said. “They do it consistently, they do it lovingly, and not with the concern that the partner will reciprocate.”
Lowe said that even if one fails at marriage, the underlying intrinsic needs remain, which means that marriage may again be on the horizon. “That desire for an intimate connection to another person is something that sustains itself even if we have had failed relationships in the past,” Lowe said.
Diana said that when he speaks with his patients, he tells them that it is highly likely that they will remarry. Even if at the moment, they see it as an impossibility, eventually, it is likely, he said. He said he tells them to take care in their choices, and to complete themselves emotionally rather than waiting for someone else to do it.
He said that the idea of trying marriage again after divorce brings to mind the story of author Samuel Johnson who, after hearing a man had remarried after the death of his wife, said “It’s triumph of hope over experience.”
“That always stuck with me. I see that a lot,” Diana said. “We are always hopeful that we are going to better ourselves. That we are going to learn from our mistakes."
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Click here to read tips for a successful marriage.
Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law. She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she teaches at American University in Washington, D.C. She recently won a national research award for her work.
rss feed ::
suggestions / issues
is for informational purposes only. It does not provide legal, financial or therapeutic
