Stay or Split? Tips for Live-ins

    In his position as the co-founder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project, Marshall Miller tends to speak to people about how to keep their relationships healthy and intact. However, he agrees that sometimes a breakup is the best answer for those involved. If that time comes, he offers some tips for making the end just a little less turbulent.  

1. CLARIFY THE FINANCIAL ISSUES EARLY:
Enter into a cohabitation agreement. Sure, it is no fun to talk about the breakup when you are just coming together, but it will make it all easier in the long-run if the relationship ends. If a formal agreement is not possible, there should be some sort of discussion about how to divide assets. “If you are not fighting over stuff, it can take the pressure off of all of the rest of the issues at the end,” said “But then, arguing over who gets the toaster couple be a welcome distraction from the bigger issues.”  

2. IF IT IS TIME TO BREAK UP, TALK ABOUT IT PEACEFULLY:
Try to time conversations about future issues when both people are ready to discuss them. “If you have the discussion at a bad time, it spirals down. If you both are at least in a reasonably good mood, a lot of the issues that you were dealing with when you were at the bottom will no longer be things worth fighting over,” Miller said.  

3. DON’T THREATEN IT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT:
Don’t use breaking up of living separately as some sort of threat in an insignificant argument. “If it is a true argument over your future, fine,” Miller said. “But an argument over cleaning the toilets should not include a threat of separating.”  

4. GIVE YOURSELF TIME, A DEADLINE:
Consider it for a time, and don’t make an impulsive decision about it. Barring abusive or dangerous situations, Miller said, sometimes waiting out the rough times and working on them together can work.  "Resolve to stick it out for at least one month per every year of the relationship,” Miller said. “Lots of couples have hard periods that can last six months, even a year -- but if you wait, things often get better."    

Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law. She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she teaches at American University in Washington, D.C. She recently won a national research award for her work.  She can be reached at m.kimball@divorce360.com.