divorce360.com | Separation: Tips to Help (page 2)

WHY SEPARATE?

“Separation is often kind of a kinder, gentler path to move to a complete concluded divorce,” King said. “For some of those people, one partner really knows that they want to move forward.” Therefore, separation is just a way of providing the other party some time to acknowledge the marriage is over before proceeding with a divorce.

However, separation doesn’t always lead to divorce. For instance, King recently had a couple hire him to mediate a separation agreement that they ended up not using. “This week I had a couple that came in … they did the whole work with me … and then as just as they are about to file for divorce they said ‘I don’t know if I want to do this,’” he said. “They decided to come back in and didn’t file. But they perceived it worthwhile to gather up those agreements. If the reconciliation doesn’t proceed, they can access that stuff and use it.”

King said it is not uncommon for a couple to separate, establish an agreement and reside under those terms without seeking a divorce. “Some people manage to have separate residences for very long period of times,” he said. Data from the United States Census Bureau backs up King’s claim. Information from census found that more than 4.5 million American men and women reported themselves as married but separated in 2000.

A couple can also separate and live in the same house, “People seem to worry about that … it (living together) doesn’t really matter if you want to move forward and separate your world.”

THE SEPARATION AGREEMENT

“When couples do decide to separate, for whatever reason, a separation agreement can be worked up to establish guidelines of the breakup,” King said.

According to the American Bar Association, a separation agreement is “a contract between a husband and wife when they separate from each other. In this document they resolve such matters as property division, debts, custody and support.” More often then not, a separation agreement is compiled through the assistance of a mediator or attorney. “The most common reason many come to see lawyers and mediators is that they want some sort of security and protection as they live apart,” King said.

The separation agreement, when legally filed, is essentially the foundation for the divorce. “If a couple legally files … they do all that work and the judge blesses that and at some point she says let’s call it the real deal … the judge will sign it,” King said. In short, the hardships of ironing out the details of the divorce are already determined with the separation agreement, making the actual divorce as simple as a judge’s approval.

In some cases, King’s clients don't want to legally separate. They just want to establish their personal and financial requirements with a signed separation agreement. “They basically come in and say ‘we need some court papers that absolutely create order and obligation,’” he said.

USING A MEDIATOR

While an attorney can map out a separation plan, King recommends using a mediator. “I help people who have an objective and structure it intelligently,” he said. “There are couples who are working on that with a (lawyer), but they want to get some communication and some structure and they want the assistance of someone neutral.”

Dr. Lynne Halem of the Centre for Mediation & Dispute Resolution Online in Massachusetts agrees with King. According to Halem, who has been featured in the Boston Globe for her work in divorce mediation, mediation provides a neutral setting that allows both parties to agree on specific issues. “The great thing about working with a mediator is nothing is hidden. Everyone is looking at each other in the face and there are no surprises,” Halem said. We don’t care about the past.”

According to Halem, mediation is different from the legal process. “You are learning how to deal with each other and iron things out and make decisions … you are learning a skill set when working with a mediator,” she said. Halem also notes that mediation is statistically successful. “Ninety percent of the cases that finish in our office are amicable at the end,” she said.

Separation: Tips to Help

Separation: Depending on the State, You Might Need an Attorney, a Mediator or Both

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