Negotiating to Reach Settlement Out of Court

At any time, your divorce can be settled without going to court.  It can happen as soon as the divorce papers are served or at the last minute on the court house steps.  

Here are a few options to consider:  

MEDIATION: As part of the legal process, you and your spouse will be required to sit down with a trained, objective third party call a mediator.  You may do this with or without an attorney, but legal representation is advised if possible.  A mediator will listen to your issues and try to help you make a settlement and avoid a trial.  If you can spend the money, find a skilled mediator that has been involved in the family court system in your county for years.  The best options are retired judges or divorce attorneys who are now working as judges, a court appointed mediator may be a waste of time if they are not experienced.  

FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER:  Sometimes someone you know can step in and be the voice of reason and help the two of you reach a compromise you can both live with but be careful. You want to go into a talk like this armed with knowledge about the laws in your state and what will likely happen if you went to court.  Family members may mean well but can compromise your future just to get things settled.  

KITCHEN TABLE TALK:  If the two of you are on civil terms and have no history of emotional or physical abuse, you may be able to come to terms on a settlement agreement on your own.  You want to go into your negotiations fully armed with knowledge gained from competent legal advice and the ability to stand up for yourself.  The last  thing you want to do is negotiatie against yourself.  If you feel like you can't effectively stand up for yourself, let an attorney stand up for you and be your voice.  

****REMEMBER****  As you negotiate, you don't have to immediately agree on terms and conditions.  This is true especially if you are working with family members or your ex at the kitchen table talk.  If terms are presented to you, don't agree right away, tell your spouse " I will get back to you on that."  This will give you plenty of time to think things over and get legal advice to see if the terms are fair.  Don't rush the process just to get done, many people have regrets after doing this so take your time and don't agree to anything right off the bat.


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Dr. Amy Botwinick is a divorce360.com blogger.  From Florida, Botwinick offers guidance through her book, CD, website and seminars. Her goal is to provide others with support and courage as they face and recover from divorce.