Her Mentor Center: Separation versus Divorce

Q: My wife and I have been married for six years -- for the past several months we have been arguing constantly. It frightens our two-year old son and that worries both of us. Now my wife is talking about a divorce but I just want a separation. Which is the better choice? 

A: No one can determine what to do except you and your wife. And if she is definite about pursuing a divorce, you have little choice but to work toward accepting that. However, separation can be a temporary solution that will buy some time when a final decision has not yet been reached. There is confusion around the definition of separation as there are various types – a trial, a legal or a permanent separation. So what you want to do first is consult with an attorney about the legal ramifications of each of these options.

Working together with your wife to gather information, if she is willing, will prove to be more financially feasible and less adversarial. And, in the end, you both may know enough about whether living apart for a test period is in the best interests of your family. You are facing a difficult period. Unless your wife is absolutely certain, divorce is a big step to take and has countless ramifications.

Yet, sometimes, fear motivates couples to stay together: feeling insecure financially, not wanting to be alone or a single parent, not being able to cope, or even the complexity of the divorce process and court system. But none of these are reasons to stay in a bad marriage. And fighting constantly, as you say, must be taking its toll emotionally. A separation gives both of you plenty of time alone for introspection and self- reflection. It's an opportunity to think through some of the negative issues and ongoing problems, perhaps with a therapist or a counselor. Then your final decisions will have the chance of being well thought out and based more on fact than emotion.

Being worried about your two-year old son, of course, complicates the situation. He's at an age where secure attachments result in feelings of trust, and a separation will have an effect on him. However, living in an environment where there is a lot of tension is not emotionally healthy either. For his wellbeing, any separation agreement you and your wife make will need to include detailed information about child custody. This includes issues such as what are the visitation parameters, who is the primary caregiver and what are the financial arrangements for your son's continuing needs.
 
Know that, if reconciliation remains a possibility, separation may be the most amicable way to discover whether staying married is actually feasible. You can take small steps toward your ultimate decision. This will allow you and your wife to interact without the constant stress that your arguments create. You'll have the chance to figure out why you haven't been getting along and what you can do about it. And scheduled date nights could bring romance back into the picture and rekindle the sparks that brought you together in the first place.

Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.