Her Mentor Center: Adjusting to Separation

Q:  After months and months of fighting, my husband and I finally decided it would be best if he moved out. I thought that, once the uncertainty was over, I would adjust to the separation. But when he left, he took all of his things with him and now the house is so empty and strange. I don't feel like I belong here either. What can I do to feel more settled and comfortable?  

A: It's not surprising that you feel unsettled with so many changes going on in your marriage right now. You are in the midst of the unknown. Don't expect to adjust to your new situation quickly -- it will take time before the chaos has subsided and you are feeling more grounded. Only then can you begin to adjust to this unpredictable stage in your life.     

Your home, which for many of us represents security, is likely in disarray and you are missing some of the possessions that you were attached to in your environment. When you have lost important parts of your daily routine, it leaves you feeling unmoored and vulnerable.  

You will need to let go and mourn your losses before you can begin to deal with the consequences. Accept that you will be feeling confused, anxious, angry, even depressed; and that your emotions will be fragile and unstable. Don't expect too much of yourself and avoid extra pressures. Instead, try especially to pamper yourself in whatever way is most pleasurable to you. That may mean spending more time with friends, treating yourself to something special, or reducing the stress through meditation, yoga or relaxation.    

Turn your focus to what is stable in your life -- your job, the friends who stick by you, your family, the joy you take in activities. The personal strengths that have guided and informed you through the years will ultimately kick in and assist you through this process. Even in the midst of your confusion, start to put one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will find that you have progressed and, in fact, moved forward. One day you will wake up and find that you are in a place that just feels right to you. That is when you will again begin to feel secure.  


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.