Are There Alternatives to Divorce?

He recommends that if a couple has reached the last resort of a trial separation, they must try it for six months to see if the arrangement works, explaining that "it takes a while to get used to things on your own at first."  "People really don't have to live together. Sometimes, living together is a stress. You might like someone, but living together can be hard," Resh says.

Interestingly enough, when Oprah polled her viewers via her web-site, she discovered that 20 percent of them believed that an open marriage could not only exist, it could be a happy marriage. However, only seven percent of the women polled were actually in an open marriage, leaving people to wonder if sometimes, it is better to try something else.



7 THINGS TO REMEMBER

Important advice before you make any drastic decisions:

1. Remember the basic options of any relationship before you make a move. "You have three choices in any relationship," explains Ric Wailes, a social worker in Salt Lake City, Utah. "One: do nothing, and nothing improves. It probably gets worse. Two: I change my behavior, because I want to, so I can be comfortable. Three: I pack my bags, and I leave my relationship."

2. When you or your spouse change behavior, do it because you truly want to help the marriage. Do not change if it won't mean anything to you. "They must alter it, because they want to," Wailes says. "If I change for someone else, it's not a permanent change.  It's not driven by me inside."

3. Wailes suggests questioning your arguments with your spouse. Are they over important issues or something ridiculous? "The longer you're with somebody, the more we tend to develop expectations. I need to look back and say, 'How real were my expectations? Were they worth a fight?' Perhaps not. Perhaps they are."

4. If your partner changes, and you are stilling fighting, don't forget to do your part. You must make changes in your behavior as well, if you want your marriage to work, according to Wailes. "People say, 'Change them. and everything will be fine.'  That doesn't solve anything."

5. Calm down before you make any serious decisions regarding your marriage or separating. "Make a decision on how to handle it. Most people tend to react. Sit down. Think it through. Say, 'What about this kind of a change?'" says Wailes.

6. Face the facts. When you enter a trial separation, you most likely will get divorced. "Most of the time, trial separation ends in permanent separation," says Ky Resh, an MSW and LCSW in Tuscon, Ariz. "When people separate, they usually stay that way."

7. If you do choose trial separation, carefully explain the situation to your children. "Always let them know, 'This is not because of you or anything you've done.' Let them know that you'll always be in their lives, and my personal feeling is it's good to try to stay close," Resh says.