Faith Therapy: Spouse Says No to Help

Q: My husband has left the home several times for extended stays; he doesn’t wear a wedding ring; he doesn’t contribute to the household financially though he has a job (making significantly less than me); and he insists on his right to smoke marijuana despite my objections. We’ve been married a year, and he’s currently on hiatus from the marriage. We went to counseling three times, and he refuses to go back despite the helpfulness of the counselor. What can I do to increase his commitment to the marriage?  

A: What can I say? It appears that you feel compelled to accept a non-marriage for whatever reason. The larger question is what drives you to do so? 

The marriage appears in need of radical intervention that will provide you with necessary information for making a decision to move forward -- or not. Consider staying separated with changed locks, no sex and a new contract for the marriage such as mandatory sharing of bills and staying engaged in problem-solving for starters. 

It appears your husband, as you describe him, has little patience for discomfort or inconvenience, choosing instead to flee when he feels resistance. Effective marital counseling requires two partners committed to the marriage, and it doesn’t sound like you have that.

If hubby refuses to engage in a new marital order with certain baseline rules, that’s valuable information you need to have. You can’t work toward an increase of anything in your marriage unless you first have something to actually increase.  Remember zero multiplied by anything still equals zero. 

Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy.