Solution Lady: Separated? Sort Of

He says: I’m separated. I’ve been living in the basement for a few years, now. We aren’t physically intimate anymore and haven’t been for a while.  
She says: My husband doesn’t care about me anymore. He does his thing and I do mine.  

He says: My wife doesn’t take care of herself anymore, she’s not clean and the house is a mess.  
She says:  I’m in a rut and I don’t know what to do about it, he doesn’t say he loves me, and doesn’t show any signs of affection anymore. He’s always gone.   

They said: Are you bringing your wife?
He says: No.  

When he speaks to me about his wife, he makes her sound like she’s unattractive, unappealing and a pig around the house. He makes it sounds like he’s been doing a lot of activities by himself for a while. Going to concerts by himself, traveling by himself. He makes himself sound available yet isn’t.  

We met on the dance floor. When we started talking, he told me that he was separated. We had fun and he asked me out again and I agreed. He called like he said he would, so I was impressed. We agreed to meet and have a drink. That’s when he told me, that he still lives at home, with the wife and kids but in the basement.

I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but I did comment that we obviously wouldn’t be visiting at his house. We met one more time after that, on a Friday. We were going to go out, but we decided to stay in and get to know each other even more. We had fun, and we fooled around a bit. He told me that he’d call me the next day, and he did, twice like he said he would. So I started to trust that what he was saying was the truth.   

On the Sunday morning, I texted him and I haven’t heard from him since. Now I question myself and wondered if he was actually separated or if he is married and wanting to have an affair. He seemed like a nice man, professional and well spoken, said that he was looking for accommodations and that he liked me a lot. Now I’m starting to think that he was lying. Bottom line, he’s still with his wife and hasn’t moved out yet. That’s it.  

So, is this a new thing, or just something that I was ignorant to? Are some married couples living in the same house yet living as separated individuals for various reasons. Is it difficult to leave the matrimonial home to face the reality of being single, to disrupt life as they know it, to cause havoc to the children and to their finances? There are so many arrangements these days, that nothing surprises me. Most, probably fear the unknown, don’t want to rupture the status quo and others do not want the financial burden or instability once the physical separation is complete.  

At some point, especially if one of them meets someone else, things will need to change. Or does it? Can two people who were once intimate on many levels, who shared experiences, lives and have children, live in the same house all the while accepting that the other is having a relationship with another.  

I know I couldn’t. I don’t even think I can see him again, without saying something.  He’s unavailable to me and obviously to his wife.  

I just want to throw that out there. What do you think? 


Linda G. Robert M.A., M.Ed., is known as The Solution Lady for personal, self-care, wellness and life solutions. She's worked in the mental health field and education field for several years as well as in law enforcement. Find out more about her at www.lindarobert.ca. Check out her newest booklet at http://www.myarticles.thesolutionlady.com/index.html.