The Ex and The Next

    She’s the dreaded “next.” She’s the woman who lives in your ex’s house, sleeps in his bed and has your kids every other weekend. And the U. S. Census Bureau says there are 1,300 of her created every day. When living-together families are included in the definition of the stepfamily, the National Survey of Families and Households estimates that 50 percent of all women are likely to live in a stepfamily relationship.

Because of the breakup of their biological families and their parents' desire for a second chance at love, 50 percent of the 60 million children under the age of 13 are currently living with one biological parent and that parent's current partner. Stepfamilies are not doing so well. Two out of three will fail, largely due to conflicts over children. A Boston University study reported that more than 75 percent of the career women who had married men with children said that if they had do it again they would not marry a man with children.

“The reason the parents get a divorce is because they couldn’t agree. The conflicts continue after the divorce and they really affect the kids. Only now, there are not only disagreements between the biological mom and the biological dad, there are also disagreements between the kids and the stepmom and between the step mom and the biological parents. The kids are always in a war zone,” said Dr. Jeannette Lofas. Lofas is the best-selling author of “Family Rules: Helping Stepfamilies and Single Parents Build Happy Homes.” The stress between biological parents and stepparents leaves children scrambling to figure out where they fit in and how to do family.            

Dr. Lofas experienced this scramble firsthand. Her parents divorced when she was 10. They were in and out of court for three nasty years. The distress Dr. Lofas felt listening to them tear each other apart profoundly affected her emotional and physical health. “I withdrew from people, talking mostly to dogs and horses. I didn’t eat. I was 5 foot 6 inches and weighed only 86 pounds,” she said in a phone interview. Lofas spent her time trying to sabotage her father’s new relationships. “I’d ask, what’s your name? You’re not the one who was here last week and that’s the last I’d see of them. Kids will do anything to try and keep their parents together,” she recalled.

When she fell in love with a man with children, Lofas had a great relationship with the children before the wedding. As soon as she got married, everything hit the fan. “All of a sudden, you’re in the house, you’re answering the phone, you’re in the bed where the mother is supposed to be. And the kids are ignoring you and asking is dad there? Couples can have knock down drag out fights because the kids were rude to the stepmom,” said Lofas.

The way the “ex” and the “next” relate to each other has broad implications for their personal happiness and for the happiness and well-being of their children. Here are nine tips that can help make co-parenting a bit easier.