The Divorce Coach: Do Blended Families Work?

Q: Do blended families really blend?

A: Yes, but it is a slow transition. Stepmothers and mothers create more tension that stepfathers and fathers do. Women tend to be more competitive for affection, respect, and have difficulty relinquishing control when it comes to their children. Stepmothers generally blame the ex-spouse for the dysfunction in the family and for interfering with her new alliance. Mothers feel threatened by having to include another in custodial duties, feel they will be replaced, and may suffer a renewed sense of abandonment if unmarried. This dynamic can add to an already tense transition period especially for children.             

Truthfully, everyone from former spouses, children and step siblings, children and step parents, and new alliances are in transition. All making room, adjustments, and restructuring for the extended family. Former spouses may need to renegotiate child custodial arrangements, decision making, and the power structure.  New step parenting roles need to be clearly defined. Parenting styles need to be considered. Stepmothers generally are more permissive because they want the children to like them.            

Although challenging, mothers and stepmothers need to blend for the children’s sake. Truthfully, you are angry at your ex-spouse. So why take it out on the kids? Children naturally feel excluded from the new family. They vie for time, love, attention and  are adjusting to step siblings. If visitation is chaotic and stressful, children bow out of future visits and sever ties. While you may be better off without him, your children are not. They deserve and need to preserve their relationships.             

Studies report that divorced fathers over a period of five years decrease contact with their biological children. Distancing of any type leave children feeling abandoned and unloved. Make the effort for their emotional well-being.

Clare Heicklen is a marriage family therapist with an M.A. in clinical psychology. She has worked in private practice in adult, child and family therapy and is a member of the American Associationf or Marriage and Family Therapy. She can be reached at pmjh@sbcglobal.net .