Stepfamily Talk: Stepmom Feels Neglected

He mentioned to me about his closeness to his daughters when we just started the relationship but never in detail. I discovered this relationship more when we were just about to get married and, of course, now that we are living as husband and wife. I always feel disconnected whenever he is in his “father-daughter” affairs. He will talk about his daughters whenever the chance is there, not only to me but to others as well including people we just meet by chance. I feel second to his life compared to his daughters.

In my eyes, he treats his daughters like minors even at their current age. This relationship always hurts me. Whenever he does this -- talking to his daughter over the phone or talking about them with people we meet and chat -- I always “run to my little corner” where I feel safe. He notices this and says that I always withdraw and get frozen whenever he mentions his daughters. I feel that he is trying to bring his daughters into my life and he wants me to accept them as part of my life too, but I just can't. I feel that this is too crowded for me.

Do I just overreact to all this? I love my husband very much.

Please help.                     

B. B. 
        

Dear B. B.          

Thanks for writing. What you’re experiencing is very common for women -- and men -- especially when they first enter a stepfamily. But here’s what I have discovered: The kids come first. Period. It's important to accept that while at the same time keeping the lines of communication open with your husband. Let him know how you feel.  

Look at it this way: It’s nice that he’s so connected to his daughters. Would you be interested in a man who was NOT connected to his kids? As far as the kids always coming first, it’s not easy for stepmoms. You might consider learning more about being a stepparent. In our book, “One Family, Two Family, New Family,” (www.stepfamilyadvice.com), we talk about this issue a lot -- although with kids who were much younger.

My co-author, a Ph.D. psychologist, gives advice to stepparents who feel like outsiders. Here are a few tips: First of all, understand that your husband’s behavior is not a personal attack on you. It’s not about you in any way. It’s about his love for his daughters. Second, try to share your feelings with him. If you can at least talk about how left out you feel, you’ll likely feel better — and may ultimately feel closer to him. Third, give him some space to be with his daughters.

Lisa
 


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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.