Stepfamily Talk: Left Out with New Wife

Feeling Left Out  


Dear Feeling Left Out: 

It’s important to be patient in this situation. It’s very common for new stepparents to feel like outsiders. In fact, it’s especially common for stepdads to feel left out of the mother-daughter relationship, says Dr. Jennifer Thomas, adolescent psychology expert and assistant professor of psychology at Wilkes University.  

“A unique dynamic exists between a divorced mother and her daughter. Research shows that, after a divorce, a mother and daughter often form a close, special bond. If a stepfather enters the family, it is crucial for him to allow this bond to continue through encouraging one-on-one time between mother and daughter,” she says.  

She also suggests that you enter the family as an outsider. “A stepparent should take a step back and  observe the family unit as it already exists before entering and making changes.” You should act like a “fun camp counselor,” blending respect and friendship when trying to bond with April.  

In addition, you should try to focus on the child’s interests when you’re trying to connect with her. In our book, “One Family, Two Family, New Family” (www.stepfamilyadvice.com), my partner describes how he handled a rejecting stepchild (my son). He focused on my son’s interests, gave us time together, and didn’t try to act like my son’s “dad.” He made it very clear to my son that he didn’t intend to compete with him for my attention. His efforts eventually paid off — but not for a few years!  

Good luck.

Lisa



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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.