Stepfamily Talk: Concerned about Sleepovers

Sincerely, N.S.


Dear N.S.:

First of all, I’m sure it’s difficult knowing your husband is living with a new girlfriend already. And it makes sense you’re worried about how she’ll affect your son. In general, it’s better for recently divorced parents to wait before introducing their children to dates. It’s also a good idea for divorced parents to wait until they’re pretty serious about a girlfriend before having sleepovers. Kids can get attached to parents’ girlfriends and then upset when they disappear.

Parents should also consider what kind of example they want to set for their children.It’s unclear to me whether your husband’s girlfriend is a serious relationship, or one in a long string of girlfriends.  If you think your husband’s girlfriend is a serious relationship, you should try to establish a civil relationship with her. That’s the best way to nurture your child. Having said all that, you can’t control what your husband does at his house, now that you’re separated. As Dr. Margorie Engel, president of the Stepfamily Association of America says,“You really have no say about what goes on in the other household. The reality is, you have no way of controlling it. But you can control how you deal with issues in your home.”

You might say, for example, that Daddy has every right to behave in a certain manner in his house, but in your home, you do things differently. However, if you’re worried that your husband’s behavior will hurt your child in some way — if there’s some kind of physical or emotional abuse taking place — then you need to get a counselor, minister, or lawyer involved. (To listen to an interview with Dr.  Engel about this topic, visit www.stepfamilytalkradio.com).

Regarding your question about articles for your husband, match.com’s Happen Magazine often runs stories about dating single parents. Here’s one that includes the results of a poll about when you should introduce kids to your dates: http://www.match.com/magazine/article1.aspx?articleid=4482.
In our book, my co-author, Bill Merkel, a Ph.D. psychologist and I, dedicate a whole chapter to dating as single parents. Bill talks about the need for recently divorced parents to take a break from dating so they can solidify their relationship with their children and get accustomed to being alone. It’s not a good idea for divorced parents to rush into new relationships. I’d be happy to send you that chapter via e-mail. Please let me know if I can help you in any other way.

Best,

Lisa


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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.