Marrying a Partner with Kids

     In 1770, Samuel Johnson, an English writer, called second marriage, "the triumph of hope over experience." He was right, says Denise Singleton of Pearland, Texas. “I did not know she (my husband’s ex-wife) was so difficult or I might have had second thoughts about marrying him,” says Singleton who has spend the last five years of her life helping her husband, James Singleton, battle his former wife in court.   

Their struggle for custody of his children from his first marriage, ages 12 and 8, has caused enormous marital strife for the Singletons. “This woman has tested my every being the past five years. I can find something good in everyone, but not her, dealing with her is like playing a chess game,” she says.  

The emotional toll has been severe, says Singleton. And so has the financial. “We are in the midst of financial ruin, even contemplating bankruptcy,” Singleton says. “She, on the other hand, plays the sympathy card and always manages to get a lawyer to work for her pro-bono. We would never qualify for that. We make too much money, but no one takes into consideration legal bills.”  

The legal bills are plentiful. As of now, the Singletons owe more than $10,000 from their custody fight. And it is far from over. In fact this past January, the Singletons filed for custody of the children. “We are still going at it,” Singleton says. “The kids' attorney at mediation told her that her recommendation would be for the kids to come live with us. We spent five hours in mediation after getting up at 2 a.m. in order to be there at 8 a.m..”  

“She (his ex-wife) has caused hard times in my usually happy marriage, I believe he is my soul mate and love him to death, but I constantly wonder how such a wonderful man could marry such a woman,” says Singleton who is going back to work now after staying home with her own children because of the financial difficulties. “My kids have seen me cry, they have cried, we have had financial problems because of her, which has caused resentment between my kids, my husband and his kids,” she says.  

Singleton is not alone. For many who enter into a second marriage with a spouse who has children, the prospect of a second marriage can be a major risk, both financial and emotional. Roughly 60 percent of second marriages will end, compared to 50 percent of first time marriages. 

Of those 15 percent will end in three years, while 25 percent will end in five, according to the National Survey of Family Growth, Department of Health and Human Services, Center for Disease Control. The reasons for these problems can be varied, Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist and assistant professor at Brown University who specializes in relationships and men’s issues and is the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."
 
Haltzman encourages marriages to stay together the first time because second marriages with children bring a host of complicating factors that sometimes cannot be worked through. “It is impossible to entirely break off ties with an ex-spouse when there are children involved,” says Haltzman. “The ex wife’s involvement will likely be the source of some marital tension in the new marriage.” 

This is certainly the case for the Singletons. “She uses the kids to play her games,” Singleton says. “They (both kids) both signed the preference forms last summer stating they wanted to live here, but the girl changed her mind as soon as she went home and mommy found out. The boy did not, he is miserable up there and wants to live here.” 

Singleton says she would not have a problem with either child moving into their house. The key to a good second marriage is to put one another first, says Haltzman. “In a second marriage people are more likely to say they care more about the children than their spouse,” says Haltzman who believes that is a mistake. “Even in a second marriage, the priority has to be the marriage.”  

Making that clear can be a very tall order, says Kyle Ramsey of Illinois, board member of the Children’s Rights Council of Illinois (CRC-IL) (http://www.equalparentingillinois.org,) a non-custodial parents and children’s rights organization in Illinois that advocates for equal parenting time. Ramsey’s first marriage broke up in 1997, but he has remained active in the lives of his first two children, even while going on to have a third son with his second wife whom he married shortly after the divorce.