Children Don't Like New Partner?

"These feelings are normal reactions to family change. The key to helping your child is maintaining open communication, allowing your child to express his feelings and concerns. Teenagers tend to respond to remarriage more smoothly if they are involved in certain decision making processes," she said.

"No matter the age, all children need structure. Try to maintain the existing routine as much as possible. A healthy co-parenting relationship with your previous spouse can ease the transition for the children. Providing a safe and loving environment is crucial to adjustment," Smith said.

If the children aren't adapting over time, you can tell by watching school performance or by looking for signs of substance abuse. "A lot of teens, the effect of the divorce is, they're having problems in school," said Polansky. "They may turn more to friends and sometimes, there can be drugs or alcohol. There's a lot of anger, because they're trying to focus on their own lives right now. They need a home base, as a teenager, but instead, they're entangled, because they feel they have to take care of one or the other parent. They're kind of in the middle with loyalty issues.:

"The reason for looking for these flags is, because there is treatment for them," Polansky said.

"Divorce doesn't have to just interfere with a teenager growing and becoming independent, and succeeding in life, and doing well at life and school, and having friends. If you get the counseling to deal with these feelings, it frees you to really be a teenager. You don't have to stay involved and get entangled in your parents," she said.


ADVICE FOR CHILDREN WHEN PARENTS DATE OR REMARRY

What do you do when you are having problems with one of your parents remarrying? Emily Ryan Smith, a social worker in Mobile, Ala., recommends:

1. Don't be afraid to talk about the issue. Set aside time with your mom or dad to discuss everything. "Ask your parent for a scheduled 'talk time,' or family meeting, in which they create a safe environment to talk and ask questions."

2. Establish similar rules for both of your parent's homes. "It may be hard if you have two homes with different rules. Talk about this with your parent during talk time or a family meeting.:

3. Check around at school for help. "Ask your school social worker if there are other kids in your class going through the same thing. Confidential small groups focusing on family change can be found in some schools."

4. Read up on the subject. "Children need to feel the feelings of loss (of marriage) before they can welcome a new family. Read a book about the stages of grief."

5. Don't take out your frustrations through violence. "It is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to hurt anyone or anything." 

6. When you feel frustrated, do a physical activity or something that will help you emotionally. "Learn to get your anger out in a healthy way. For example, play with clay, go for a run, write in a journal, talk to a friend."

7. Try to avoid conflict with your parent and step-parent when possible. "Remember, you can not change people. You can only change how you respond to them."

8. Accept your life as it is. "Change is a part of life. Focus on the positive changes that have or might come out of your parent getting remarried. Do you have more people in your life that care for you?"