Five Tips for Stepparents

Strong bonds of loyalty between children and biological parents can also cause conflict. In a new home, children may feel as if the stepparent is attempting to airbrush their biological parent from the family history.  Less than two months after her mother died from cancer, Marian Perera’s father began dating. Three months later he had remarried. “He moved [his wife] into the same apartment he and my mother had lived in. She used the same pots in the kitchen, kept her cosmetics on the same dresser and slept in the same bed. I couldn't even bring myself to look into that bedroom, much less interact with her.”    

Dr. Zentman notes that children will often create an idealized image of their deceased parent. Any effort made to challenge these views will be met with strong hostility. Dr. Zentman advises that “the best role model a stepparent can provide in this situation is one of complete acceptance and respect for how the child feels.”  


FIVE TIPS FOR STEPPARENTS
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1. Don’t give up.  
As a stepparent it is highly likely you will experience rejection – that’s no reason to stop your efforts at getting close to the kids. The National Stepfamily Resource Center points out that “it is hard to accept that sometimes we are willing to have a relationship with someone who is not willing to have a relationship with us.” However, you are an adult and you will have to try harder than a child.  

2. Don’t move too fast.
Slow and steady wins this race. You will not gain a child’s respect by establishing strict curfews on the day you move in, nor will you win undying devotion or love by forcing them to call you “mom” or “dad”. The National Stepfamily Resource Center advises to approach stepfamily relationships with minimal and realistic expectations. In this way stepparents “may then be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes more time than [they] anticipated.” Don’t expect instant gratification; this is a new family, not cup-a-soup.  

3. Talk to your spouse.
Marriage is a partnership and the welfare of children is paramount to any family. You and your spouse need to be on the same page. Dr. David Fassler, Clinical Professor at the University of Vermont points out that “kids tend to do best when there is ongoing communication, cooperation and coordination between their parents around limits, rules and expectations.  In general, such consistency provides the stability and security kids need to promote resiliency following a divorce.”  

4. Put yourself in the child’s shoes.  
Introducing a stepparent usually means introducing other new family members. Siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and extended family can all make up a complex and confusing web of relationships. Be patient as the children deal with this information. Marsha Temlock advises to “be someone your child can turn to. Be a trusted listener. Be a comforter. In addition, if possible, be an optimist.”  

5. Experience new and fun things together.
Strong families have shared experiences and memories. Until you begin this process with your stepchildren it will be impossible to solidify your bonds. Brenda Rodstrom is confident that a “new family needs to find common interests.  Sports, movies, community activities, politics, the environment - and then have some fun!” 


Dave Bolster is a writer based in Kansas City. He was an elementary school teacher for five years and often writes on education issues. He is currently working on his second book about his travels in China.