divorce360.com | Blend Yours, Mine and Ours

Easing the transition from “your” kids or “my” kids to become one big family is a one of the biggest issues for couples who remarry. They can face resentment from the kids, sometimes transferred to the step-parent, who can be seen as the reason their biological family fell apart. While there are things that can ease the tension of this situation, many psychologists say that the key to working through the transition is family counseling.

“Family counseling is very beneficial, particularly when the children are present,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Ben Wilson. Wilson runs a clinic in Elk Grove, Calif., and specializes in couples counseling and remarriage issues. “The best method is to have the counselor meet with the couple first, then have a different session with the children and then bring everyone together and assess what needs to be done."

Wilson thinks an important aspect of the transition is to set boundaries that present a unified front to the children. “Everything is a matter of communication,” he said. “The biological parent has to give the stepparent the permission to parent their new stepchildren and this process has to be approached carefully.”

It's one of "the biggest hurdles" for remarried couples "because children will try to play their biological parent against the other more so than in an intact family,” said Karen Israel, a licensed professional counselor, who does marriage counseling in Plano, Texas. “It’s important not to allow the children’s issues with one parent or with each other to affect the new marriage. This allows the children to be control instead of the parents.”

Robbie Redmon, a Dallas-based psychotherapist, agrees. “Having household rules and enforcing them creates structure. Although it may cause fiction at first, parents should stay firm with enforcing the rules of the house,” she said. “The biological parent and the stepparent much show a united front on discipline and household rules.”

Both Israel and Redmon say that despite potential issues, it is possible for stepparents to form a close bond with stepchildren. “It is absolutely possible if the stepparents are able to be sensitive to the child's emotional reactions to the adjustment as well as have their new spouse reinforcing the respect that the children need to have for the step-parent,” said Israel. “Often one parent will assume that the children will automatically respect the step-parent without realizing that it is mostly their job to teach their own children how to treat the new addition/step-parent. All of the responsibility lies on the shoulders of the parents. They must be a united team and always support each other.”

However, Redmon says there's another important factor in the relationship's success. “Stepparents should not expect problems, but be ready to solve any situation that comes their way. Stepparents will have to learn to share their time and attention. They will give up some things, and gain others.”

In addition to setting boundaries and counseling, the age of the children involved in also a factor. According to Israel, research shows that the likelihood of bonding between a stepparent and child is much higher when children are younger. After around 10, Israel says the emotional IQ makes it more difficult. Stepparents have to “make it clear that they are not trying to replace the stepchild’s biological parent,” said Redmon. “Stepparents can also show respect for their stepchild’s feelings. Stepchildren need to see signs (signals) that they are wanted. Facial expressions, gestures, and words are so important.”

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