When Stepparents Divorce

    Smommy. It’s what Patty Burgess’ stepdaughters call her. “They came home one day and said, well, we can’t call you ‘Mommy’ but you are sort of our mommy. So they came up with “S-mommy,” and “Smommy,”” said the 51-year old Realtor and radio talk show host from Bucks County, Penn.

And even though Burgess divorced their father nine years ago, she is still Smommy and a vital part of their lives thanks to what she says was a divorce focused on “making it OK for the kids.”   

“These children were in my life since they were ages 5 and 8, and they are now 22 and 25. They don’t remember much before me, and when we were divorcing, there was absolutely no question that I would be a part of their life, though I didn’t know at the time in what capacity,” she said. “They tell me that they cannot imagine life without me, as that is their roots and what they know.”   

But Burgess knows that luck was on her side. Like all stepparents, she understands that the courts have made no provisions for stepparents to have custodial rights to their non-biological, or non-bio, children. Many stepparents find that once the marriage is over so is their relationship with the children they helped parent.   

“The majority of the states do not recognize the rights of stepparents. A lot of divorce laws are lagging well behind our current societal needs,” said John Mayoue, a family lawyer based in Atlanta, Ga., active in stepparent issues and reversing the current archaic view of non-bio parents by the courts. “Those laws are based in the ecclesiastical law of the 1600s.”    

“If I had not been able to see them or have any right to be in their lives after the divorce, I think I would have been a wreck. If there was a legal avenue to take, I would have. I would have done whatever I had to. I know that. Even if I didn’t win,” she said.   

But chances are, with changes to state laws and test cases becoming more prevalent across the country, that Burgess might have won. “States are introducing legislation which provide stepparents have the right to seek visitation and custody of step children, and, what is interesting, the concept of a stepparent having a financial duty to the child,” said Mayoue.    

Traditionally, it all had to do with biology. “If you are not biologically related to the child, then you have no right to visitation or custody, nor are you obligated to give financial support,” said the 53-year old lawyer, who has represented high profile cases involving blended families. “The courts are beginning to erase the fiction that we are only concerned about biological relationships between parents and children. It’s enormously important now, with as many as one in five families consisting of step children. That figure will be as many as one in three in the next few years.”   

Kristen Forbriger was one of those statistics. Both of her divorced biological parents remarried when she was young, developed strong relationships with both of her stepparents. Then, her mother divorced again. “My mother and step dad are divorced for three years, that was difficult because I think, on a lot of levels, people don’t expect it to be difficult,” said the 24-year old public relations executive from Philadelphia,. “My step dad was a very big part of my life for 10 very important years — middle school, high school and college.” 

Even though her mother wasn’t overly pleased with Forbriger’s decision to keep the close relationship she had with her step father, she didn’t stand in the way. “It was difficult for her, but I still am very close to my step dad,” she said. “It would have been incredibly difficult for me, if I had been a minor and was told that he was out of my life. I don’t think that is the way it should be for step parents and children. They have a relationship with the person which is separate from the relationship they have with their biological parents. It’s just as important. Well, for me it was.”