Tips before Remarriage

    In today’s society, some couples find happily ever after the first time; yet,  for others, it takes a try or two…or three...to find the right person. So what should you consider before remarrying? 

Closure in your previous relationship is the most effective way to give a new marriage a fighting chance, according to Manhattan psychoanalyst/psychotherapist Denise Lanes. “If one or both parties are still feeling angry, bitter, guilty or hurt, they will be unable emotionally to fully invest in the new relationship,” said Lanes. “Part of achieving that closure is to remember that there were two of you in your previous marriage and own the fact that the dissolution of a marriage is rarely 100 percent caused by just one partner.”  

Discussing money, kids and career also should be high on the list of priorities. You should sit down with your partner and discuss the major issues that come along with marriage, including finances, raising children and career goals. For example, Bankrate.com advises couples who are remarrying to see a financial planner. This is because while most couples enter their first marriage with little to nothing in the way of assets, this is not usually the case for subsequent marriages. Between children, financial portfolios and more and the higher divorce rate for second marriages, a financial planner can help couples navigate around the potential pitfalls of re-combining their financial picture.  

Finally, for many couples, the fear of failing in a previous relationship can be a crippling factor. Gail Appel is a licensed mental health counselor, a credentialed alcoholism and substance abuse counselor and a certified sex addiction therapist in New York City. She says examining each individual’s fear can help face this problem. 

“Exactly how do they feel they failed in the first marriage? Getting past the initial honeymoon period to really know how they each deal with real life issues together is key to preventing failure,” said Appel. “In addition taking time to really feel in ones gut how this partner is different from the previous one can be reassuring. If this partner does not feel different then possibly some individual or premarital counseling can be helpful.”   

No matter how many times you have been married, Lane offerred some simple suggestions.

1. Be certain you enjoy mutual empathy, love and respect.
2. Take time to get to know each other and to let the relationship develop.
3. Openly discuss your respective views and wishes about important aspects of building a life together: having and raising children, finances, religion, lifestyle, etc.
4. Make an effort to communicate on an ongoing basis.
5. Listen to your partner’s needs and communicate your own needs.
6. Show your partner you appreciate them. Treat the inevitable conflicts between you as something to understand and negotiate a solution to. 
7. Try not to personalize and inflame things by attacking each other. 
8. Accept that conflict resolution requires compromise and forgiveness and that neither of you will always get your way.”