Stepfamily Talk: Ex-Wife Runs the Show

Thank you so much.  

M.G.  


Dear M.G.:  

This sounds really difficult.  

First of all, I think it’s critical that you refrain from engaging in battle with your husband’s ex. Do not respond to her nasty phone calls, and if you feel you can’t be civil, don’t speak to her. If you engage in battle with her, your stepson will suffer.  

Karen Sherman, Ph.D., author of “Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, Make It Last,” a psychologist in New York, suggests that you tell your husband that this situation must be very tough for him. Then let him know that his ex is acting unfair to you, your husband and  your stepson.  When you speak to him, don’t attack or judge.  

Next, she says, you should offer to work with your husband to identify how you can solve this problem as a team.  

Donna A. Tonrey, a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of a clinical counseling program at La Salle University, says that your husband may give in to his ex because he’s feeling guilty about the divorce. This is quite common.  

“Or, it could be that he is not comfortable with conflict of any kind and he has not developed the communication skills to effectively handle conflict; therefore he avoids directly addressing issues,” she says. But of course, this will create conflict between him and you, she says. Again, tell your husband how you feel. If giving in to his ex makes you feel as if you’re not important, let him know that.  

Brette Sembler, a former divorce and family attorney and author of several books about divorce, suggests that while you’re dealing with this tough problem, try to remember that your husband has a history with his ex. “Particularly because they are parents together, they do need to communicate and work cooperatively.” Try to support his efforts to cooperate with his ex-wife.  

As for your stepson, he’s clearly caught in the middle of the adults in his life. This is a painful place for him. It’s up to the adults to get him out of the middle, Tonrey says.  

It would really be ideal if you, your husband and his ex could sit down together and talk about how you could cooperatively raise his children. And it would be great if you could do this without resorting to the courts. You might consider finding a counselor, mediator or minister to help you talk with each other. To learn about the benefits of having all adults work together in the best interest of the child, please read this article: www.stepfamilyadvice.com/1child4parents.htm.  

I hope this is helpful. Please keep me posted.  

Best,  

Lisa  



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Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets.