How do you divorce-proof your marriage? Try answering these questions to help.
1. I got divorced because...
2. I got divorced when I did because...
3. The last straw was...
4. I first thought my marriage was a mistake ---- and I thought it was a mistake because...
5. When I thought it was a mistake I ...
6. If I had it to do over again when I realized it was a mistake I would have ...
7. When I look back at my last marriage:
- What frustrated me was...
- What hurt me was...
- What disappointed me in my ex was...
- What disappointed me in me was...
- What infuriated me was...
- What scared me was...
8. What I will expect from a future marriage on a consistent basis without my needing to ask for it is... Be specific.
9. What I used to do when I was frustrated (let's call frustration the earliest form of upset) was...
10. In the future what I will do differently when I am frustrated to prevent the build up of bad feelings is... By doing this, we will avoid animosity because...
11. When we get into a disagreement, conflict, argument these are the rules we will both follow (because you never really know how safe you are until you see and feel the full extent of your partner's anger and self-destructive behavior when they're upset):
- Each of us will ALWAYS...
- Neither us will EVER...
- 48 hours after the disagreement/argument seems over we will talk through any lingering negative feelings, with each of us listening until we understand those feelings, accepting responsibility for our part in causing them and then committing to an alternate action that would not cause them in the future...
12. And finally, I will NEVER be:
- Too rushed to say, "Thank you."
- Too afraid to say, "No."
- Too stubborn to say, "Yes."
- Too proud to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."
- Too angry to say, "I forgive you" and mean it.
- Too unforgiving to let go of a grudge and do it.
- Too self-involved to help my partner out when they really need it.
- So preoccupied to give my partner my undivided attention when they need that.
- So unrealistic as to expect my partner to read my mind and know what I want or need without my asking for.
- So unthinking to embarrass or humiliate my partner.
- So dishonest to deceive my partner.
- So foolish as to believe I can hurt my partner without it hurting me.
NOW have your partner, spouse or future spouse do the exercise above and then share and discuss your answers.
(c) 2007 Mark Goulston, http://markgoulston.comMark Goulston, M.D., is a well-known psychiatrist, speaker, business trainer and coach as well as author of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work." He writes a regular column, "Getting through to Anybody," for divorce360. He can be reached at mgoulston@markgoulston.com.
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