Faith Programs for Divorced

   When Stephanie went through a divorce after nine years of marriage, she felt like she lost her world. “I not only lost my partnership, I lost my whole community,” said Stephanie, who asked that her last name not be used. "...I lost the couples we had dinner with, my neighborhood, and my home.”

Then, a friend told her about DivorceCare, a faith-based divorce recovery program that’s used in 12,000 churches worldwide. DivorceCare is nondenominational and open to people of all faiths, or no faith. Since its founding, DivorceCare has ministered to more than 500,000 people who’ve faced what DivorceCare founder Steve Grissom calls “the big three” associated with divorce: anger, depression and loneliness.

The 13-week DivorceCare program hosted by Essex Alliance Church in Essex Junction, Vt., walked Stephanie and 40 other newly divorced people down the road to healing. Meetings began with prayer, followed by videos with personal stories, interviews with experts and computer graphics on relevant topics such as “What’s Happening to Me?,” “Facing Anger, Depression and Loneliness” as well as finances, sexuality and forgiveness.  

Afterward, the group talked and worked through the accompanying workbook. There were tears and laughter. Then, they went out together for more conversation and dinner. The group threw Stephanie a great party for her birthday. And they even brought her an enormous stuffed dog as a gift. “I lost my dog in the divorce,” Stephanie said. “They knew how much I missed him.”  

“People going through a divorce are surprised at the depth of their hurt,” said Grissom. “The Bible teaches that the marriage covenant makes a man and woman one flesh. When you tear flesh, it’s an excruciating, messy thing. If I were to pull you apart down the middle, it would not be clean. Part of you would go to one side and part to the other. The same thing happens on the emotional soul level when people divorce. You don’t just divide, you tear, and you don’t suddenly have two individuals, you have two pretty messy halves.”  

Grissom, who went through his own divorce after 13 years , knows it’s possible to be whole again, but, it takes a lot of work and a lot of faith. “It’s pretty tough to get through divorce without spiritual comfort,” said Grissom. “You’re not just grieving the loss of a mate, there’s a huge list of losses. The loss of home, of active parenting, of financial circumstances, family heritage, in-laws, and on and on. It’s much more complex than most people realize.”  

In fact, Marital Transitions and Mental Health, a study published in the “Journal of Health and Social Behavior,” found adult men and women were more likely to experience poor mental health within the first year out of marriage compared to those who remained married. While much of the anguish experienced has to do with the sense of abandonment, when people turn to their church for support and find none, they also even worse. 


LACK OF UNDERSTANDING

Although statistics show that one out of three adults in the pew on Sunday morning are going through or have gone through divorce, few churches are equipped to help them. As a result, many leave. Some of the problem may be a lack of understanding. According to a 1997 Barna Group study of 601 Protestant pastors, only 13 percent had ever gone through a divorce. But that number is increasing, according to Gary Pinion, Northwest director for PastorCare, part of the National Clergy Support Network. And with that increase may come a better understanding of what is happening to their own congregation. 

“One pastor I spoke with said, ‘I could have murdered the head deacon or had an affair with my associate pastor’s wife and survived, but because I’m divorced, my ministry is finished,” said Rev. Randy Carter, executive director of PastorCare.              

Pastor’s wives also face special difficulties, particularly if the church supports the pastor after a break-up as was the case for LaShon Williams. She and her husband were associate pastors at a southwest Michigan church when she discovered her husband was having an affair with congregation member and the other woman was pregnant. “I felt like I was going to stop breathing,” she said. “There she was, the OTHER WOMAN, sitting in the choir with HER son about to be born.”  

For two years, her husband denied the child was his.When he finally confessed, there was no church reprimand. “I was angry,” Williams said. “I felt like I had done everything by the Book and God had let me down.” Her anger helped her better understand what was happening to others around her. It motivated her to write the book, “Moving On!” which is used to help women of faith re-invent their lives after divorce.