What's the Perfect Gift for your Spouse?

    It's tough enough to find the perfect holiday present for your partner. Now there's even more pressure to make the right purchase. Studies show that giving or getting poor gifts can reflect poorly on your relationship and make you wonder if you're really compatible.

New research by Elizabeth W. Dunn and her co-authors at the University of British Columbia suggest that men and women react differently to receiving good and bad gifts. In one experiment with new partners, men who received gifts they wanted perceived themselves as similar to the gift-giver, suggesting a positive influence on the relationship. Women, however, didn't seem to care whether the gift was something they liked.

In another experiment with long-term partners, the results were similar, but the women's reactions were even more extreme. When asked how long their relationship would last after the experiment, men shortened their future partnership with women who had given them gifts they didn't like. "They devalue the relationship," Dunn said. "They say, 'We don't have anything in common if that's what you got me, and we won't end up getting married."

Women, instead, increased their connection with their partners if given bad gifts. Psychologists suggested that the experiment trigged a short-term defense mechanism in women, who became more motivated against a potential relationship threat. "They're the relationship caretakers," Dunn said. "Our research suggests women are protecting their relationships, so they enhance the perception of what they have in common."

Over the long term, the study shows that bad gifts hurt romantic relationships by undermining a spouse's belief that their partner knows them well enough to pick a gift they'd like. The bottom line, Dunn said, is that a good present can "convey the extent to which you are similar to your partner," which is something that partners should think about -- particularly during gift giving holidays like Christmas.

Dunn used her own partnership as an example: She and her boyfriend share a love of travel and adventure. "We're going on an African safari together," she said, explaining that the shared experience will enhance their similarities. She suggested spouses trying to improve their relationship fid gifts that convey those similaries.

Regardless of the study results, psychotherapist Tina Tessina, Ph.D., aka Dr. Romance, blames some gift-giving snafus are based on gender-related differences. "For most men, romance is physical as well as emotional, so if you want to make him happy, follow your romantic gestures with physical expressions of love. Romantic occasions are important to women, who focus on anniversaries and holidays as a chance to celebrate love and their relationship.

"Men, on the other hand, are not comfortable with emotional scenarios, and want to avoid them. Hence, the clash. When a holiday is ignored, women feel disregarded and unimportant, and let their men know about it. Social embarrassment also enters the picture because of an expectation among women that they will have a romantic event to describe to other women. Many men fail to grasp why the event is so important, and are stunned when their girlfriends or wives are so upset."

The bottom line is simple for relationship expert Brenda Della Casa."We all want to receive gifts that we feel connected with from those we love but the fact is, even those who love you most are often at a loss for what will please you," said Della Casa, author of "Cinderella Was a Liar." '"If your husband or wife picked out a sweater you don't love, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed," Della Casa said.

And while a lame gift won't end a relationship, too big a gift might if you've just met the other person, Tessina said. "It's scary to have a date overdo the gift thing. I actually have quite a number of clients who come in saying 'He (or she) gave me this big expensive thing, and we hardly know each other. I feel weird and pressured. What do I do now?'"

Her advice: If you just met your new partner, spend $5 for something simple like a flower or a certificate for a burger. If you've known each other for a few months, spent $15 for a baseball cap or a pair of movie tickets or a CD. "Make the gift fun and light-hearted, a gift that reflects time you've spent together, but doesn't claim too much possession of the recipient," she said. 

Homemade gifts, like a tin full of cookies or fudge, "are sweet, affectionate, but not too over the top," she added. And homemade coupons "can be good if they're not too elaborate (keep it at the backrub/coffee date/help with the computer level.)." "What you don't want to do is cause the recipient to feel obligated or guilty because he or she didn't do it for you," Tessina said.


TIPS FOR GIFT GIVING TO SPOUSES:

1. Think about the gift.
If you're buying for a spouse or long-term partner, really think about their likes and dislikes. "Clearly, handing your spouse something you found on clearance that afternoon is not going to go over well," Della Casa said. "Think of gifts that focus on doing something together. Dance lessons, cooking classes, a couples massage at a spa, a 'night out' package where you place a gift certificate to a nice restaurant, and tickets to a show or play. Think of the things your spouse enjoys and let that be your guide."

2. Talk about your gift-giving expectations.
Particularly if you're new to the relationship, "It's a good idea to talk a bit beforehand in a general way," Tessina said. "Ask your date about previous holidays, what funny or dramatic things have happened, or whether he or she likes these occasions, and have a couple of stories of your own to share. You'll find out how he or she feels about special days, and whether you should play it up or down."

3. Tell your partner what you like.
If you know your partner could use some help, talk about potential gift ideas. "...It is important to let your partner know what you need, want, like and dislike," Della Casa said. "You can do this by casually mentioning things you have seen or need and making reference to how much you enjoyed receiving a specific gift from them or someone else at another time."

4. Don't focus on the money.
Good gifts don't have to cost a lot of money. "Contrary to what the commercials and shows like 'Sex and the City' would like you to believe, romance doesn't depend on spending money. Instead, get more creative and thoughtful about what really brings you closer together," Tessina said.

Della Casa agreed: "Money can play a huge role in the types of gifts one gives their mate," she said. "There are some men who want to give their wives or girlfriends something specific, such as a nice purse or jewelry, but cannot afford it and so they wind up doing very little because they can't do what they want to do and everything else falls short. Let your mate know that you appreciate the gesture. If they cannot afford to take you to a nice restaurant, mention how nice it would be for them to cook for you. If they cannot afford the material things you want, mention how nice it would be to receive a poem or another inexpensive item that takes time and effort. It's important to remember that gifts are about the gesture."

5. Know how to accept a gift.
If someone took the time to give you something, be polite about the thought. "Make sure you know how to accept gifts graciously," Della Casa said. "If you have a strong negative reaction to something your spouse put a lot of effort into getting you, you will likely not only hurt their feelings but leave them fearful of putting in that kind of effort again."