Two First Borns? Bad Match

But that level of responsibility began to create problems in their marriage as it turned into control. And her husband, who wasn’t used to being challenged, had problems with her independent nature. “It wasn’t so much as him being in charge as it was in him undermining my self confidence. He was always doubtful about the decisions I made. I always made me feel I wasn’t right. Or that I should question myself,” she said.  

But despite the eroding marriage, Shields stayed. And she stayed. For 23 years. “I didn’t want to be on my own. I was afraid of it. I hated it when I was a kid and I didn’t want to go back to that.” But she did. According to Leman, her marriage had some troubling signs to begin with. Namely that her husband, in addition to being the oldest, came from a family with alcoholic parents so the brunt of the child rearing as well as the effects of the disease fell on him.   

“When it comes to dysfunction in the family unit, the question is, of all the birth orders, who takes the hit? It’s usually the oldest. I call the oldest the ice cutter in the lake of life,” he said. “That’s what happens with the first born. They are closest emotionally to any of the dysfunction that might be in the family.” “Anytime you talk about people and birth order, we are not talking just about mathematics. There’s a lot of subjunctive stuff in it,” he said.   

Other factors aside, according to studies, the couples with the best chances are those who come from the middle of the pack. “The middle child is often struggling with an identity issue. He can’t be first and he can’t be last. He becomes the peacekeeper and often fades into the woodwork of a multi-sibling system,” said Curtis, 58. “The middle children are more stable and ultimately healthier than the other ones. And when when you get [a middle child] that marries one it often results in a stable relationship where there is not a lot of melodrama.”   

“The middle child is squeezed between the crown price and the schnookie. So in terms of marriage negotiation, they are able to get along. They let things roll off the back. You are strengthening the probability of success when you marry a middle child,” added Leman.   

But problems can also arise with a marital match of two middle children. “Two people who can go with the flow, sometimes they  won’t tell you how they really feel and that can create problem in the marriage of people not being honest with each other,” said Leman.   

By and large, when problems arise in the marriage, which often happens later in life when each partner starts to get weary of the roles that they have assumed, many times it points to birth order. “Let’s say in the instance of an oldest brother marrying a baby sister,” he said. “At first she may like being taken care of, and if her mom was a stay-at-home mom, and she wants to replicate that, it’s perfect if she meets man who was the oldest brother because in good likelihood they will replicate that, because he is in charge. But she may tire of that, and have a tough time changing the dynamic as she tries to create more equality in the marriage.”     

While birth order shouldn't be a deal breaker, it should be on of the factors that a couple discusses before getting married. “It’s a great indicator of kind of difficulties you will face in marriage,” said Leman. “It absolutely does matter. You should be looking at and talking about dynamics such as family history, birth order, socio-economic differences. Everything that is in your past can come into play in your marriage,” he said. “It should be one more piece of information to discuss. Birth order does matter. Forewarned is forearmed."