Runaway Husband? You're Not Alone

"I think my initial response was numbness, shock. I didn't cry, I wasn't angry," recalls Stark. "He never breathed a word about being unhappy with me. On the contrary, he remained warm, loving, affectionate and appreciative right up until he told me it was over."    

At first, there is often a greater loss of self-confidence for the suddenly abandoned spouse compared to a divorced person that could foresee the breakdown. When a marriage is headed toward divorce there can be a "steady deadening of self-confidence and increased depression," says Price. "When someone is suddenly abandoned they go through intense shock and have a more severe initial loss of self-confidence."   

"I had always taught myself to be a strong person. At first, I thought that I was financially ruined," says June Dillon. "I thought that I was functioning fine. One of my sons moved in with me because I wasn't. I was even forgetting routine things like remembering to pay the rent. My family had never seen me like that before. Nonetheless, my daughter continued to manipulate and exploit the situation."    

After several months June began to date. "I was looking for a knight in shining armor. It was woe is me. It was, and is, hard to trust myself with other men. I seemed to be too trusting and made some bad choices. My esteem was so low that I would accept anybody. I didn't feel I was worthy of a man of substance."    

"I have been irrevocably changed and in many ways. My whole life has been shaken up, my past as well as my future, and I'm still in the process of recovering." says Stark over year later. "Will I ever recover completely? I'm sure a time will come when there is no longer any pain."   

Price does not necessarily think that there is a slower, more difficult healing process for the suddenly abandoned spouse. "The grief process is really an individual one. Self-esteem, the support system and the ability to take responsibility for their role in the problems, all impact the healing process." Edwards would later remarry and become widowed. "It was a difficult decision to make, but I have never regretted making it." 

June Dillon would also later remarry and become widowed. "I am happy within myself and do not need a man in my life to be fulfilled." Darold Dillon never remarried and in hindsight "would have done the same thing." He and June are friends again. "That's the way it should be."    

Stark is currently finishing her second book and moving forward in her life. "I am certainly far better than the hell I was in, but after 21 years of marriage, this is a profound betrayal and takes quite a bit of time."     



TIPS FOR THE ABANDONED SPOUSE

1. Recognize that the chaos will not last forever.
2. Be kind to yourself.
3. Accept that it is really over.        
4. Keep your mind occupied with other things as much as possible.
5. Turn your focus from the past to the future.    

Source: Therapist/author Vikki Stark 


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Bruce McCracken is a seasoned journalist and senior analyst for FAO Research. McCracken has an MA in communications from the University of North Texas and resides in Irving, Texas.