New Trend: Boomerang Divorcees?

Rick Houtz and his wife had the house to themselves for two years. Now it’s filled with toddler toys, people to cook for and lots of dirty dishes after meals.      

Divorce has changed the Houtzes’ lives in unexpected ways, although they themselves have been married for 33 years. Instead, their empty-nester lifestyle was ended by the divorces of their son and daughter. Both children moved home following either a separation or divorce. Now, with four adults and two grandchildren around, the Houtzes’ home in Newark, Del. holds little privacy for anyone.
 
“I’ve kind of accepted the house is going to look like a house with young children again … until we find another solution to the problem,” Houtz said.       

Although most people realize divorce triggers lifestyle changes for the separating couple and their children, there’s a growing awareness that it touches the couple’s parents as well. Families are systems, and what happens in one branch affects other branches, said Raeann Hamon, a professor of family science and gerontology at Messiah College in Grantham, Pa. “Parents hurt when their kids hurt, and when there are grandchildren involved, that elevates it even more,” Hamon said.       

The problem isn’t new, but with the increased number of divorces since the advent of no-fault divorce laws in 1969, it is affecting more people. And as the stigma of divorce fades, American society is becoming more willing to talk about how parents handle the pain of their children’s divorces.       

The first thing parents should do when they learn of a child’s divorce is to show their loyalty to their child, said Marsha Temlock, author of “Your Child’s Divorce: What to Expect – What You Can Do.” Temlock, who worked in social services for 20 years, wrote the book when, in the wake of her son’s divorce, she couldn’t find any self-help literature aimed at parents.       

During a divorce, some children might interpret a desire to stay neutral as treason, Temlock said. Take your cues on how to treat the ex-spouse from your child. Remaining uninvolved, or seeming too friendly with the ex-spouse, could damage your future relationship with your child. “Even if you don’t approve of what your child has done … your role as a parent is to say, ‘I support you, what can I do to help you?’, which is not the same as saying, ‘I agree with  you,’” she said.       

In a study Hamon conducted in 1989 and 1990, most parents said they felt their children just needed someone to listen. Hamon interviewed 52 parents between ages 54 and 87, first in focus groups, then in individual interviews. (Because of the small sample size, the study’s findings are not applicable to the general U.S. population.) The men and women Hamon interviewed believed their children would react badly to unsolicited advice, and that it might hinder them from assuming responsibility for their own actions.