In the Zone: Will Divorce Make you Happier?

    Approximately half of all marriages in America end in divorce. This statistic has been reported frequently by the media for perhaps 30 years.     

This rate of divorce causes many people to believe that marriage is an unstable institution and that relationships are difficult to maintain. In addition, many people who are going through a divorce erroneously feel that they have failed or are failures because their marriage has ended.      

There is no question that a divorce is a painful experience for the husband, the wife and the children. However, it is important to ask this question: Will divorce make you happier? You should compare whether you're happier one year after the divorce is final as compared to how how you felt in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship. 

The truth is, divorce can sometimes be a chance to finally find happiness in your life. I have counseled hundreds of couples for more than 20 years. And when I ask people who are going through a divorce how they will feel three months after the divorce is complete, they invariably say that they will be getting back on their feet. When I ask them how they will feel a year after their divorce, many of them genuinely believe that they will be well on their way to being fine. They talk about dating, moving, finding a new job and about getting on with their lives. They typically smile and communicate a a sense of joy, hope and peace.       

Many years ago, I treated an elderly couple who had been married for more than 50 years. When I asked them when their problems began, they both agreed that they had been unhappy from the beginning of their marriage.       

For me, this was a very sad thing to hear. Imagine disliking your spouse for half a century. In addition, while the elderly couple reported that part of the reason they had stayed together was “for the children.” They realized that their grown kids had experienced much pain, because their marriage was filled with so much anger, hostility and resentment.           

Now, I  am not suggesting that couples that are experiencing conflict should immediately file for a divorce. I am simply reminding people that is not their marital status which determines real happiness.            

Perhaps the media ought to spend more time reporting on what might be thought of as a “happiness index” as opposed to how many people are married or divorced. This index should evaluate people who have ended an unfulfilling relationship in terms of how they are feeling post-divorce as compared with how they were feeling while they were married.           

It seems to me that happiness, peace and contentment are the universal goal that we are all searching in our lives. Better to happy and single than to remain trapped and stuck in an fulfilling relationship.

Jay P. Granat, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, hypnotherapist, author, lecturer, found of stayinthezone.com. He writes a regular column called, "In The Zone," for divorce360.