Divorce Better than Unhappy Marriage?

    Recent research indicates that a majority of Americans feel that divorce is a better result than staying in an unhappy marriage. The research results show that two thirds of the respondents feel that the children will be better off if the parents end an unhappy marriage. The attitude of many Americans has transitioned from we can work it out to should we work it out?

Disharmony and discontent over time has led many people to consider cutting their emotional losses by no longer putting off what they see as the inevitable. When it comes to their children, in lieu of a happy couple, many would opt for a peaceful single parent household.

The July 2007 Pew Research Center report, "As Marriage and Parenthood Drift Apart, Public Is Concerned about Social Impact Generation Gap in Values, Behaviors," surveyed 2,020 people. Of these, one third have been divorced. The results of the report show that 69 percent of the respondents agree with the statement that “a child needs a home with both a father and mother to grow up happily."

”If the parents are unhappy in their marriage, sentiments change markedly for the respondents, regardless of whether or not they have ever been divorced. Divorce is seen as preferable to maintaining an unhappy marriage for 58 percent of the respondents. Women agreed with the view more than men, 61 to 55 percent. Fully two thirds of the respondents felt that children are better off if unhappily married parents divorce. For those respondents who have been divorced, agreement jumps to 76 percent.

Dr. Michelle New is a clinical child psychologist and founder of Kentlands Kids, a private practice in Gaithersburg, Md. “A more realistic view is that a child benefits from a home with two parents or caregivers, but it is a matter of what is optimal as opposed to what is ideal. What they really need is love, consistency, discipline and access to both parents, wherever possible.”

New adds that the key really depends upon the age of the child. “The younger the child is, the more important it is to have more than one parent in the home, even if they are not biological parents. Studies show that in the first years of life, that having a single caregiver is highly stressful for both the child and parent.”

“My parents divorced when I was 15,” says Stormy Mercer, 45, a court clerk from Camdenton, Mo. “I was thrilled.” Matrimonial bliss had been lacking for many years and Mercer had tired of having to endure her parents fighting “on a nearly daily basis. It was very bad growing up in a home that was in a constant state of war.”

When her parents finally did divorce in 1977, life improved for Mercer. “My life was much better. No more fights in the night, no more crashing sounds of glass breaking against the walls. Who wants to live in a war zone?”

“If there is bickering between the parents, even though there is a high degree of stress in the home, it doesn’t impact the child as much if they are young,” says New. “Any reduction in stress is better for everybody’s mental health but it is important to consider that there will still be emotional and financial fallout.”

After the divorce, life improved for all concerned, Mercer recalls. “I had always been a ‘daddy’s girl’. But I became much closer to my mother. She and I remain best friends today. Both parents went on to find love with someone else that made them both happier.” The divorce that Mercer experienced as a child yielded much more of a win/win scenario for everybody.

More often than not, positives to that extent are rarely a result, according to New. “No matter how difficult the family environment was before the separation, the children’s experience will be negative. Divorce will come as a shock for both the parents and the child regardless of how much preparation they have.”

Mercer feels that her experience as an adult child of divorce helped her to relate to and communicate better with her son during her divorce. “I think I was better equipped to make my son understand that we were going to be fine. While his dad still loved him, we just didn’t love each other enough to stay together. It better prepared me as well, to handle the changes and responsibilities.”