Mediation Works: When to Separate

Q: My husband and I are not sure what we want to do; stay married, trial separation or divorce. I have spoken to several attorneys but that seems like a huge leap. How would mediation help us in this stage of our relationship? 

A: The decision to divorce is a big one everyone processes the decision differently. Even when spouse’s desires are different, once one or both spouses hire an attorney, things begin to take on a life of their own.

My mediation clients tell me the first thing their attorney advised them to do was not to talk to their spouse. Why? It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out this will do nothing to foster any hope of reconciliation and if tensions are already high what may have been amicable will erode and turn into something neither spouse could ever imagine.

The adversarial process is just not well-suited to spouses trying to figure things out. Mediation on the other hand creates opportunities and a framework for spouses to explore all options. No doors are shut nor does the process take on a life of its own.Couples can actually look at how the separation would work; how the bills will be paid, who will take care of the children, will both spouses have to work. Some couples will even create a plan for how they will treat each other; what the ground rules will be.

Mediation offers spouses the opportunity to explore each other’s expectations and avoid assumptions that may derail the marriage. Any future plan when a couple is considering divorce or separation will be a challenge to create, but the plan will best be created by the spouses themselves with the assistance of a professional mediator. Mediation is neither pro-marriage nor pro-divorce. Mediation will provide a framework and environment for spouses to make the best plan possible for their family and themselves.

Philip Mulford operates Mulford Mediation, a full-time professional mediation firm. His writes a regular column called "Mediation Works," for divorce360. He has more than 18 years of experience in mediating divorce, separation, child custory and other issues with divorce. He can be reached at pmulford@rcn.com.