Mediation Works: Infidelity and Mediation

Q: I caught my husband cheating on me. Give me one good reason why I should consider mediation?         

A: I can’t imagine what you have been through. Infidelity can only be a most painful experience. An affair destroys trust and respect and changes the marital relationship forever. The embarrassment and humiliation are often intolerable. Once a spouse decides to end the marriage because of infidelity, revenge is often the name of the game; punish, humiliate, and destroy the wayward spouse. What better place than a court of law? What better chance of success than hiring the best divorce attorney you can afford and enter into combat?        

That may seem at first like a great approach, and you may feel justified on many fronts – using marital resources to avenge your pride, opening to public shame and humiliation the actions of your spouse, but once you take this path many you may find yourself overwhelmed with the adversarial process. The Brinkley/Cook custody case was an excellent example of the nightmare. While Peter Cook admitted to the affair guess what his attorney did? He went after Christy Brinkley and made her look worse than she already felt. As wronged as you feel, be prepared for your spouse’s attorney to go after you with the same vengeance that you have gone after your spouse. Is it worth it?        

Think about the months and years it may take to prepare for court. What will be accomplished? When all is said and done how are you going to pay the legal bill that can easily exceed $100,000?         

Is mediation an option? Absolutely. Can you gain satisfaction in addressing the pain and suffering you have experienced? Absolutely. Mediation is actually a better place to address the emotional pain of infidelity because in mediation you’ll be speaking directly to your spouse and hear directly from your spouse. Not only will you be in direct contact, but you’ll be able to create a future that takes into account the affair and the impact it has on you and your children. You won’t have to hope a judge sees it the way you do.

If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage, I am so very sorry, but before you go down the expensive and destructive path of court, consider mediation. As much as you think litigation will make you feel better it won’t. Unfortunately, it may take years to pay off the legal fees you incurred. And too often I’m told the system didn’t treat the loyal spouse fairly at all.

Philip Mulford operates Mulford Mediation, a full-time professional mediation firm. His writes a regular column called "Mediation Works," for divorce360. He has more than 18 years of experience in mediating divorce, separation, child custory and other issues with divorce. He can be reached at pmulford@rcn.com.