Mediation Works: Are You Fighting Before the Divorce?

Q: My husband and I have been constantly fighting. After years of marriage, we have decided to file for a divorce. Can we still use mediation even when we can not talk to each other? How can you get two people to mediate their divorce settlement under those circumstances?  

A: If you and your spouse have decided to divorce because you fight all the time, yes mediation can still help you. What you have described is probably the biggest misunderstanding about mediation. Unfortunately many couples don’t even consider mediation because of this myth -- that mediation can't help if the fighting is what is prompting the divorce. So couples end up with very expensive and lengthy court battles that end up paying more to attorneys and leaving less for the couple getting the divorce. 

Mediation is not just another venue for the same arguments and disagreements. The fact you don’t agree going into mediation doesn’t mean you won’t reach a mutually acceptable divorce agreement in mediation. Mediation under the guidance and direction of a professional provides a framework and structure that does not allow the same arguments to continue and focuses the communication on the future solutions to the issues of separation and divorce.

In my 18 years of experience practicing mediation full time, many couples have walked through my door barely able to acknowledge other, some in fact need separate rooms because emotions are so high. Yet these very same couples are able to stay in mediation and reach mutually acceptable agreements without going to divorce court and spending tens of thousands in dollars in legal fees. Mediate your divorce with a qualified mediator, (one with a legal background), and you will be surprised at the results.

Philip Mulford operates Mulford Mediation, a full-time professional mediation firm. His writes a regular column called "Mediation Works," for divorce360. He has more than 18 years of experience in mediating divorce, separation, child custory and other issues with divorce. He can be reached at pmulford@rcn.com.