Mediation Can Help in Divorce

COSTS OF MEDIATION

Choosing mediation over litigation can save money, according to Stoner. Because attorneys must prepare for trial, Stoner estimates the average divorce costs $73,000 per couple. Hiring a mediator who is an attorney saves money, since the average mediation cost, according to Stoner, is $6,570. Stoner charges her normal attorney fees as a mediator. But the cost is less because she spends one-tenth the time on cases that are mediated. “With mediation, you don’t have to present evidence to a judge. You’re saving the cost of an attorney’s expensive time,” Stoner said.  

HOW MEDIATORS WORK

Mediators look at issues from a “holistic” view and consider psychological, emotional, and social issues, not just legal ones, explained Elinor Robin, a psychologist who co-runs A Friendly Divorce in Boca Raton, Fla,, with her husband David Spofford, an attorney.  “A legal divorce only looks at legal issues,” she stated.

Mediators listen to both parties, facilitate a discussion and help both parties reach resolution. “The role of the mediator is to allow parties to come to their own fair settlement,” Robin said.  

In the pre-Internet days, people who hired mediators needed to hire a lawyer to file divorce papers in court. By using the Internet and obtaining the necessary forms, couples can now file legal papers on their own and not have to hire a lawyer, Robin said. Paralegals can also be hired, if necessary, to prepare documents.  


MEDIATION AND CHILDREN

Many parties opt for divorce mediation to spare their children pain. “People are so concerned about their children’s well-being and not exposing them to acrimony that this motivation gets them through mediation,” Stoner said. 

Of course, it’s not easy sitting in a room with a soon to be ex-spouse and reaching compromises over custody and property, but it sets the stage to collaborate together for the children. How can mediators overcome the venom that permeates most divorces? Robin replied, “In most divorces, each party thinks that he is the victim and the other was the perpetrator. We show that they create the dance together, and both are victimized and both are perpetrators. It deflates hostility.”  


BEWARE OF THE TRAPS

There are caveats to consider when hiring a divorce mediator. One major consideration is divorce mediators, unlike attorneys, are unregulated in most states. Choosing a mediator by recommendation is preferable. If no one is recommended, interview several to see who is experienced and trustworthy.  Make sure that everything that a mediator is going to do is spelled out in a written agreement.  

When selecting a divorce mediator, also make sure the person has a working knowledge of divorce law and possesses negotiation skills. But attorneys must also possess mental health skills like counseling abilities when doing divorce mediation. One other alternative to divorce mediation is collaborative divorce, where the two attorneys and two clients sign a written document that they will work out an agreement without going to court.  If they must go to court, they must give notice to the other attorney.  


RESOURCES:

1. If you’re looking for a mediator, check out mediate.com, which locates specialized experts like divorce specialists. Use the prompts and ask for a divorce mediator in your zip code.  

2. Katherine Stoner’s "Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation and Collaborative Divorce (Nolo 2006)," spells out exactly what a divorce mediator does and the pros and cons of getting involved with it over divorce.  

3. The Web site of AfriendlyDivorce.com offers articles that offer tips on mediation versus divorce, 10 tips to handle children. Also check out Web sites of www.smarterdivorce.com, which offers articles on mediation, and nolo.com, a legal publisher, which has background material on divorce mediation under the heading family law.  

Gary M. Stern has co-authored "Minority Rules: Turn Your Ethnicity into a Competitive Edge (Harper Collins 2006)," aimed at helping minorities climb the corporate ladder.