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The Men's Room: Fake Restraining Orders?

The Men's Room: Fake Restraining Orders?

The Fake Fight - What's She Doing?


     The man comes home after a long day at work, usually it’s the last part of the week, when he’s really exhausted. The kids are doing their homework but there’s an air of discontent coming from her. He’s done something wrong, but has no idea what. She starts in on him, attacking him verbally. Getting him angrier and angrier. She screams at him not to yell at her, then it happens, those words, “don’t hit me.”            

The next thing he knows. She’s broken some dishes, thrown food around the kitchen, run to the bathroom with the phone, locked the door, and is calling the police.            

By the time the police arrive, she’s been crying in the bathroom, and prepping her story. She’ll tell the police that there was a fight, he broke the dishes and tossed the food in his angry state. Maybe she’ll have hurt herself to make her story more believable.     More on domestic violence.

If the police investigate and find that there was some domestic violence, real or faked, the man is going to jail. Next stop – Temporary Restraining Order –ville.            

Why did she do it? Because the laws have become such that whoever gets a restraining order first, has an upper hand when it comes to the custody of the children, possession of the house, and psychologically in the divorce process.            

In California Family Code 3044 makes it a presumption that if there was domestic violence in the family, the person who was abused, is the preferred party to have custody of the children. With that comes a preference for the children’s home location, and an increased amount of child support. That’s what this is all about.    What are your state divorce laws?        

When a marriage is over, it boils down to money and control. If she gets a restraining order against him, the court will look at him as an abuser. Once that happens he is perceived by the court as a bad role model. It will mean anger management classes, parenting classes, in some cases, supervised visitation with the kids that he has raised from birth. All because of a lie, and it happens every day in this country.     More on custody and visitation.       

The law states that for 5 years the domestic violence can be used against the man to show how unfit he is as a parent. It will be used by her long after the 5 years are up. She’ll throw it into every pleading and declaration she files in court, knowing that it will effect the court’s perception of her ex-spouse. She’ll use it to allow her to move out of state, to get more money from him by denying him custody of his children, and to make him feel like an abuser so that he will walk away from more of the assets of the marriage.            

Men can get Temporary Restraining Orders against the women in their lives, just as easily as a woman can. But generally they don’t, because they live under a false impression that doing so makes them weak. Our society says that men should be strong, and “cowboy up”  - which means don’t cry, don’t look to others for help and never appear weak.            

It is a huge mistake in Family Court to live by that false credo. Men need to fight for their rights, and protect themselves in a divorce or custody proceeding. And sometimes, they need the power of the court to protect them also.             

If a woman is becoming physically violent, there is no shame in the man walking away and calling the police. In fact, it is the smartest thing he can do, for himself, and for his children. If he has been attacked, in any fashion, he needs to be aware that the groundwork is being laid for him to go to jail. He needs to stop being a nice guy, and recognize that the relationship has changed, and that he and his soon to be ex are now adversaries in a battle of perceptions. If he doesn’t begin to take advantage of every tool the courts have to protect him, he can be sure that she will.   Abuse help here


1)  Be on Offense, not Defense. When it starts, you have to be the one to call the police first.

2)  Stop playing “Nice”. The Relationship is over, treat it as such, remember it is now about money and control.

3)  Use your strongest asset – Logical thinking. Point out to the police or court, how she hurt herself, attack her credibility, and yes, use the kids if you to as witnesses.

Read More In The Domestic Abuse Group In Community

David Pisarra is an attorney, columnist and entrepreneur, who operates Pisarra & Grist in Santa Monica, Calif. Click here for his Web site.

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