Passionate Heart: Tips to Help in Divorce

    When dealing with your ex during or after a divorce, the stakes can feel very high. The dining room table or a painting can become quite important when decisions about who gets what are being sorted out. Even if you never really liked that vase to begin with, perhaps hurt and angry feelings lead you to fight vigorously to have it. At the end of a divorce power struggle, bitterness is often strengthened and everyone involved feels dissatisfied. Divorce doesn't have to be this way.  

If you are clear about what you really want and you are taking care of your feelings as they arise, you can more easily transition to a new, happier, life ahead. But the past becomes lodged in your present when you stubbornly deny a request from your ex just because it would make things easy for him or her. This might be inconvenient or hurtful to your ex, but it's even more hurtful to yourself. When everything becomes a contest, nobody is going to win.  

Rick and Pam split up over two years ago and the tension between them has not eased. Pam feels like Rick challenges her at every turn -- especially when it comes to their two daughters. Pam was granted primary custody of their daughters and Rick sees them every other weekend and on specific holidays. Rick certainly cares about their daughters, but his career has always come first. He's never truly wanted more custody than he was granted. That is until Pam asked for permission to move with their daughters back to her hometown in a neighboring state. Although Rick even admitted to Pam's cousin that he knows Pam and the girls would be better off living closer to grandparents and family support, he still refuses to let Pam proceed with her plans to relocate.  

Here are some tips to consider.

1. It doesn't have to be a contest.
While Rick is probably partly motivated by worries his daughters will be less accessible to him living further away, he is also driven by a desire to win this battle with Pam. Since their marriage began to fall apart, it's felt like a series of contests between Pam and him -- winning has been most important to his pride and sense of confidence in himself. This attitude is not going to help anyone involved, especially the children.  

As unpleasant as it may be to admit, if you can recognize when you see an issue between you and your ex as a contest and winning as the ultimate goal, you can begin to change the pattern. When a disagreement arises with your ex and you feel that familiar tension in your stomach, you might ask yourself what the issue is really about for you. Rick realizes that Pam and the girls might more radically move on with their lives if they move out of state and further from him. While he is not looking to reunite with Pam, part of him wants her to stay the same. Perceiving that he's winning these battles also makes Rick feel a fleeting sense of power over a situation that is not in his control.  

2. Know what you really want,
When you are able to see that your motivation is to win at all costs, you can start to shift away from seeing the situation or issue as a contest or battle. While it may be painful to uncover what lies behind your drive to “win” over your ex, this is a vital step to letting go. And when you let go, you can more clearly see what you really want and allow that to be your guide.  

Rick realizes that what he really wants is for all of them to be happy and feel supported. He knows deep down that if Pam lives nearer to her parents and extended relatives in her hometown, she will be better able to parent their daughters. Rick's attorneys and Pam have assured him that he will still have his weekends and holidays with the girls and he knows that they would live within driving distance for other special occasions. As Rick considers granting Pam her request to move with the girls, he feels sad but he also feels a sense of relief that maybe they can all begin to move on with their lives.  

At times, what might seem like “giving in” to what your ex is asking for can actually help you get to where you want to be. If you can set aside the faulty pride based on “winning” a particular conflict and open up to what you truly desire, “giving in” may feel more like everyone wins.   


Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.