Child-Centered Divorce: Dad Myths

    Many children grow up as adults and find they are duped into believing negative things about one parent or another as a consequence of a divorce. Our society, legal system and gender biases all play a role in creating negative stereotypes connected to divorced women and men. Men are especially liable to some sweeping generalizations regarding post-divorce behaviors. Whether they are based on anecdotal stories passed among family members, popular movies or sensational celebrity headlines in recent years, men are often portrayed as the aggressors and winners when it comes to divorce. Here are some common myths that deserve clarity and further exploration.

1. The husband usually initiates the divorce.
Today, women are free both emotionally and economically to take the reigns and ask for a divorce. They may feel unfulfilled or unappreciated in their marriage, emotionally or physically abused, exploited or disrespected. They may discover that their husband has been unfaithful or they themselves may have entered into sexual affairs as an outlet for frustration or a variety of incompatibilities. Regardless of the cause, men are not the exclusive initiators of divorce and should not bear the blame as a gender. Often it is the husband who is the last to know that his wife wants out.

2. Most divorced fathers do not make their child support payments.
While some fathers abuse their responsibilities in this regard and the courts are filled with such cases, the majority of divorced dads feel deeply concerned about the well-being of their children and want to support their families in every possible way. They also want to remain actively involved in their children's lives. Like moms, dads love their children and are hurt if the connections with them are cut off. This is especially painful if a vindictive mother is trying to get back at dad through the kids. In these cases it's the children who are ultimately hurt the most. Another related untruth is that most fathers are far better off financially after a divorce. As in all things, it depends on the parties and circumstances involved.

3. Only rarely does a mother try to keep the father from seeing his children.
Unfortunately this is more common than most people believe. In recent years the situation has been given a name and is finally being recognized as an injustice to children of divorce. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a problem initiated by both genders. However, more women use this emotional and psychological weapon against their former husbands because they can. What they don;t understand is that they are deeply wounding their children through this alienation and ultimately, when the kids are grown, quite often they are resentful at the parent that created the separation. No good can come from this tactic for anyone in the family. Regardless of how angry and upset you might be at your ex, do not use the children as pawns or punishment to derive your own satisfaction.

 Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of "How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!" Her e-mail is rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. For more information about her and resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.