Friend Getting a Divorce?

    While more than 60 percent of Americans get married and stay married, some couples don't fare so well. Even if you're one of the lucky couples, it's likely you know someone -- a friend or family member -- who is going through a divorce. 

Every year nearly 2.8 million people go through the emotional and financial trauma of divorce, and most marriages end in divorce before the 10-year mark, according to California Financial Planner Ginita Wall. And, according to U. S. Surgeon General, about 30 to 40 percent of those undergoing divorce report an increase in symptoms of depression and anxiety.

"A divorce is similar to a death in the sense that, many people who really need support go without it, not because their loved ones don't care but because they have no idea what to say," said relationship expert Brenda Della Casa, author of "Cinderella was a Liar," a book examining the successes and failures of the relationships of 1,000 single and married men and women around the world. 

It's complicated by the fact that, sometimes, people going through a divorce are afraid to ask for help, experts say. And men have a tougher time than women, studies show. In his 1995 book, "Fathers and Divorce," Terry Arendall writes that women heal more quickly than men because of their network of support. "We don't always ask for help when we need it," said Divorce360.com CEO Cotter Cunningham.

So what can you do when someone tells you their marriage is over? 

"As in all situations of loss, the most significant issue for family and friends around divorce etiquette is being supportive -- available for what they need, not necessarily what you think they need," said Phyllis Goldberg and Rosemary Lichtman, both of whom hold Ph.D.s and founders of www.hermentorcenter.com, which helps women through transitions such as divorce. 

Their suggestion to friends and family: "First decide what you can give and then open a dialogue about what would be helpful to them. Don't be put off or offended if you don't get immediate feedback -- there is a lot going on emotionally. Check back from time to time and be sure to leave the door open," they said.


TIPS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

1. Offer to Help.
Be supportive by asking them how you can help. This may include being a social support -- taking them out when they need to get out of the house; listening when they need to have someone listen; or watch the kids if they've suddenly become a single parent. "Since many newly divorced men and women won't want to burden their friends and family, tell them you would like to come over and help them clean the house or mention that you were interested in taking their kids to the park one day or to a movie one evening," Della Casa said.