ASK FOR HELP FROM OTHERSThe most difficult and dreaded part of building a support team to assist in traversing life’s changes after divorce might be the actual asking. M. Nora Klaver, the author of "Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need," said that people are generally so fiercely independent that they become isolated. Klaver has worked for 20 years as a master work-life coach. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, she said, and these kinds of interactions can strengthen the bonds among people. “People need to know that they deserve to ask for help,” Klaver said. “It’s okay to ask for help, to give yourself permission to do it.”
She said she recommend to her clients that they look beyond the obvious support team members of family and friends, toward those who are less obvious, such as a neighbor, a postal carrier, maybe someone from the gym -- anyone who can provide a new and different perspective to the problem at hand. “Our tendency is to go to people we already know, but I believe we need to cast a wider net,” Klaver said. “It’s okay to go to the people you know first, then look at these unusual resources you have.”
WHO SHOULD YOU ASK?
She said some of the possible positions to fill on the support team are the comedian, the truth-teller and the role model. The comedian is a person that can find the lighter side of any situation. “We all know someone like that,” she said.
In fact, one of her clients who is going through a divorce realized the need for a comedian on his team. He called his funniest friend and asked him to help him laugh through the divorce process. He told him, “Your job is to cheer me up.” The truth-teller is the person who will say what no one else will. “This is someone who is going to tell you what you don’t necessarily want to hear,” Klaver said. The role model is someone who has already been through the divorce process, and found his or her way through it without being too acrimonious about it, Klaver said. This person should know what the attorneys are like, and what the court system is like, she said. Be calculated in asking and be sure to offer thanks
Ask with purpose, Klaver said. Consider thoughtfully the kind of people to ask, and how to go about asking them. “Anytime you are more deliberate, your choices are much better,” Klaver said. “The accidental choices don’t always work to your advantage.”
Think ahead to what help will be necessary. For example, in planning a move, ask for helpers early. Don’t wait until the need for help becomes an emergency, Klaver said. And don’t wait until depression and anxiety has set it. “My philosophy is to ask early and ask often,” she said. “If you wait until the last minute, then it is really hard to see beyond your own needs.”
Ask at a convenient time and place, Klaver said, preferably in person and in private. When the help has been proffered and the deed has be done, it is time to offer thanks – not once, not twice, but three times, Klaver said. “It’s really important to say thank you a third time – not necessarily effusive or over the top,” Klaver said.
Klaver’s suggestion is that the three thanks should arrive in a timely manner: when the help deal has first been struck, when the person has provided the help, and then again the next time you run into the person. “So it’s that third time, the next time you see them, that really seals the deal,” she said.
Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law. She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she teaches at American University in Washington, D.C. She recently won a national research award for her work. She can be reached at m.kimball@divorce360.com.
rss feed ::
suggestions / issues
is for informational purposes only. It does not provide legal, financial or therapeutic
