Solution Lady: Like Yourself after Divorce

    Life is great when you return to who you really are intended to be. After a separation or divorce, life is upside down. Dealing with divorce is a emotional buffet of stress, grief and anger. You’re preoccupied by "What if'" or "How could have" or "How will I?" You can’t think straight. You live your life alone, with no one to rely on except you and sometimes you’re not even sure you can rely on you because you feel broken and you don’t trust you.   

Sometimes you may not know what to do, but you do with what you have and that’s what you keep doing until you learn differently. I was the type that always had a man in my life. And if I didn’t have someone, I had a backup man. Always had a backup man. I had remembered hearing that I shouldn’t involve myself with anyone for at least a year after the separation. A Year? "Are you nuts?" I said. I couldn’t picture myself without someone for that long. I didn’t understand why that would be so important. Now I do. 

But I’ve had to learn this by experience, because I certainly didn’t listen to anyone who gave me advice. I started to think of why I had chosen those men to be with. I learned that it was because I needed and wanted affection. When a man gave me that, I felt loved. I stayed with them emotionally even when the affection ended. I also learned along the way that I was afraid of rejection and abandonment, and that I stayed with some for fear of facing that and probably left some for the same reason.  

I soon realized that the only person that would be there for me, was me. I knew that I’d be there, cause the real me always came out. I learned that being alone was okay, and that I couldn’t and wouldn’t reject me nor abandon me anymore. That is what I did when I was with someone. I abandoned me. So was I afraid of them abandoning me, or of me abandoning me? I think, the latter. I am still afraid of losing me. It took some time to find me cause I had abandon me for a long time. I lived my life for someone else, not for me. I had either lived my life for my kids, for a man or for my mother when I cared for her.  

Now I’m alone, and I know who I am. I’m able to live with me and be ok with it. Although there’s life that goes on while I’m sitting here, I know I’m not missing out cause I’m doing exactly what I’m intended to do. I was always worried that I’d miss out on something. Now, I’m alone, and while it was difficult at the beginning to adjust to being single and alone, I am quite comfortable with it. I don’t have my children to worry about. I don’t have to make supper for anyone, clean for anyone, come home for anyone and stay home for anyone. I can do what I want, when I want and I love it. I’ve even getting used to not dating.  

The other night I realized how great it is to live my life for me, and not for someone else. Since I’ve taken my name off the dating site, I’ve been living my life with the intent on doing things I love. Like the other day, I went snowshoeing on the Ottawa River. A couple of guys were ice fishing, someone else in the distance was wind surfing and I was walking. It is a beautiful, mild Saturday, with nothing but wide-open space, and white around me. I finally reached a pine tree that had been left there, and I decided to lie down next to it. I’m lying down on this frozen river, by a pine tree, eyes closed, thinking of how great life is. 

I’m not preoccupied by thoughts of someone who didn’t call me, by having to be anywhere, by bills that needed to be paid. I am happy, and comfortable, thinking of the possibilities that I have in front of me. When I returned from my walk, I bumped into a new friend and we spent the next few hours talking over a few glasses of wine. 

I’m moving forward with my life. I am not stuck losing me over someone that sucks the energy from me. I know that I will never abandon me again. How great it is when you allow your life to unfold as it is intended and you go with your heart and allow your spirit to play. 


  

Linda G. Robert M.A., M.Ed., is known as The Solution Lady for personal, self-care, wellness and life solutions. She's worked in the mental health field and education field for several years as well as in law enforcement. Find out more about her at www.lindarobert.ca. Check out her newest booklet at http://www.myarticles.thesolutionlady.com/index.html.