Passionate Heart: Thinking About Divorce?

    If you are thinking about divorce, chances are that you are feeling a myriad of emotions and those can change from moment to moment. One of the best ways to begin making the decision of whether to leave or stay in your marriage in a very clear way is to take an honest look at what you are feeling.  

Joyce has been married for more than 20 years to a man who has a drinking problem and is emotionally abusive to her. Although she has thought about leaving the relationship for years, she is constantly working to see the good in him so that she can continue to keep her marriage and life intact — but she is tired. Although it has been difficult for her to listen to what her emotions are telling her, when she really stopped and tuned into herself, she felt great sorrow in her life. She even realized that her chronic physical illness is always worse when the situation with her husband becomes unbearable.  

When we asked her what the “payoff” was or what she was getting out of being in this relationship, she searched inside herself and said that she likes feeling needed by someone and enjoys the constant “doing” for a person who cannot “do” for himself.  

By acknowledging her feelings and understanding what she is getting out of the relationship, she is taking a good look inside herself and listening to her authentic voice. Because she now truly understands the motivations behind her actions, she is better able to decide whether or not she wants to continue this pattern and stay in this relationship.  

Although you may not be dealing with abuse or a partner with a drinking problem, whatever your situation is, it would serve you well to stop and take stock of what you are feeling and follow these steps:

1. Calm yourself.
Take a few minutes by yourself, where you won’t be disturbed, when you’re not driving or doing some other activity. Take a few deep breaths in your abdomen. Direct your attention inside yourself and keep your attention there.   

2. Find out what you are feeling.
Write down all the emotions that come up for you concerning your marriage and your spouse. Circle the one that comes up most often for you. Use words like sad, scared, mad, confused, tired, overwhelmed, hurt, embarrassed, disappointed, glad, peaceful, loving playful, rested, thankful.  

3. Consider some questions.
What are you getting out of staying in this relationship and being with this partner? What is your payoff for staying?   

4. Compare the payoff.
When you compare your payoff for staying in your relationship with what you are predominantly feeling, what do you learn?    

Although there are many questions to ask yourself and your partner before you make a final decision of whether to stay in or leave your marriage, these are three very important ones to take into consideration. 


Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.