Passionate Heart: Jealous of your Ex?

Whether jealousy played a part in your break up or not, it can certainly play havoc with your life after your separation and divorce. If you are finding that you are becoming jealous of your ex or even of the time that your children spend with your ex, there are some things that you can do to stop that destructive behavior.  

Here are some tips to help you stop jealousy before it destroys your relationships…  

1. Jealousy is a habit.  
Whether jealousy has always been a problem for you or it’s a relatively new issue for you, consider thinking of jealousy as a habit that you can change. If you’ve ever changed a habit that you didn’t like, you know that it takes noticing when and why you do something and then creating a healthier way of acting and thinking in its place. That’s the way it is with jealousy. When you think of it as a habit, it becomes something that you can change rather than something that seems insurmountable.       

2. Tune into yourself.  
Think back to the most recent time you felt jealous. What seemed to trigger the jealousy? What specific feelings and sensations went along with the jealousy? In order to stop a jealous habit, you have to recognize the signs of jealousy as they begin. Even better, you can learn how to notice jealousy’s signals before it even shows its face.  

It might be that your stomach tightens or you notice that the area around your heart hurts. Take note of what happens in your body and what thoughts you think when jealousy comes up for you.  

3. Give yourself some space to get out of your jealous box  
Jealousy almost always relies on stories to keep it going. As we all know, a story is something that’s made up and most of what we define as jealousy comes from believing stories that have no basis of truth.  

If you believe the stories you are telling yourself about your situation or your ex, breathe and create some space for yourself to think more clearly. Devise a way that will work for you to feel a little space inside yourself and just ask yourself if the story you are thinking is true or not. You’ll need to do this each time the story comes up. When you begin questioning your stories, you will begin to see what is real and what is not real — and you can begin to act from that place of truth.  

4. Make the commitment that you are ready to have another experience in your life and are willing to do what it takes to heal that part of yourself.  
Making a commitment to heal jealousy means focusing on yourself and your feelings, questioning all your jealous thoughts whenever they come up and then acting from that new place of clarity within yourself. It doesn’t mean focusing on what your ex is doing.  

When you are jealous, you are focusing on the past and what you fear the future might bring. You aren’t focusing on the present moment.  

If you commit to focusing on the life you want to live, making sure that your thoughts are in alignment with your vision, you’ll see jealousy vanish from your life for good. You may even be able to be around your ex without feeling sadness and regret, as well as jealousy, sooner than you think.  



Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.