Passionate Heart: Divorce Advice

    It seems hard to resist giving advice when a person sees another person in a similar situation. Pregnant women are particularly susceptible to unasked for stories and recommendations. Those who are going through a divorce also tend to face a barrage of suggestions from well-meaning friends, family and even strangers.  

While it can be helpful to know such things as the name of a good attorney or therapist, much of the advice that is given isn’t always very useful. Much of it pertains to the advice giver’s specific situation and is offered through the filter of that person’s viewpoint. A lot of residue anger, resentment and bitterness can seep through in the advice. You probably don’t need more of those emotions right now.  

Perhaps your Aunt Joan went through a divorce 25 years ago. When she hears that you are in the middle of a divorce yourself, she calls you with condolences and advice. Right away her caring message that it will all work out well, that you will feel better with time, that you are better off without him, etc. etc. switches into perceptions that stem from her own divorce. She starts talking about how awful men are, that they always cheat, that they don’t care about you financially (or otherwise) and so on.  Pretty soon, it feels to you like Aunt Joan needs the consoling! Needless to say, her intended comfort call leaves you feeling overwhelmed and dismal about the state of your own life.  

Of course, your family and friends care about you, want you to feel better and to weather this difficult transition as best you can. We encourage you to receive the offered love and support that feels helpful. We also encourage you to know when the “observations” and advice don’t serve you and, instead, to turn your attention away at those times.  We encourage you to be as seemingly selfish as you can be. Healing can best happen when you care more about your well-being and less about humoring Aunt Joan’s tirade.  

When you feel overwhelmed by divorce advice, try these tips….  

TIP 1: Pay attention only to what feels good.
When a loved one offers advice, when you are choosing books or even watching television, be particular about what you give your attention to. If what you are hearing is offered with love and makes you feel hopeful and encouraged, then keep paying attention. However, when the talk turns in a direction that takes you toward more hurt feelings, you can choose another direction.   

For example, if you flip on the television and find a talk show about “your cheating mate,” change the channel and quickly. Whether or not you experienced infidelity in your previous marriage doesn’t matter. Tuning in to someone else’s hurts in this way will not help you move toward ease from your own pain.   

Tip 2: Stay tuned in to you.
We strongly encourage you to stay tuned in to you. It is understandable that you have a lot going on in your mind right now. There are probably many decisions for you to make and quite a few possibly conflicting emotions. When someone offers you advice, it can appear to be the lifeline you need to get out of all of the confusion. And it could be.  

When you regularly take time to go within and check on how you are feeling and what’s true for you right now, you can be your own lifeline. Of course, you don’t want to hurt Aunt Joan’s feelings when she is just trying to help. However, when her words stop being helpful to you, you are allowed to shift the conversation. By staying tuned in to you, it will be clear when the advice does not feel good. At that time, perhaps you could thank Aunt Joan for her love, change the topic, or gently end the call.  

There is so much information available to us right now. This can be a valuable resource — especially when going through a divorce. As you keep in touch with yourself, how you feel and what you know to be true, you can sift through the advice and suggestions and make clear decisions about what’s right for you. Above all, be gentle and loving with yourself.  



Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.