Forgiveness. This may be the last word you want to hear or even think about if you are going through — or are still hurting--after a divorce. Forgiveness can seem like a very remote possibility and something you can’t wrap your mind around right now, especially if your marriage ended because of an affair or if you’re feeling intense anger, sadness, or fear. To most people, forgiveness appears to be something you do because you’ve been told you have to. You might think that your forgiveness is for the other person, the one who wronged you.
We disagree with this take on forgiveness. In fact, we suggest that forgiveness is a vital part of self-care and healing after a divorce. Here’s a story to show you what we mean…
Imagine you are setting out on a journey on foot. You strap on your backpack with water and food and feel light and eager for this trip. Along your journey you have experiences and encounter people and have relationships with them. Some of these relationships leave you feeling happy and enriched; others leave you feeling unsettled and unhappy. very time you come away from one of those unsettled, unhappy experiences, you notice that your backpack gets just a little bit heavier. It’s like you’ve picked up a giant rock every time you leave an unhappy experience. Pretty soon you notice your shoulders and back hurting from the weight of the backpack filled with those “rocks” of unsettled, unresolved emotions.
Your back and shoulders may not be hurting you right now, but if you are still “carrying” around anger and hurt feelings from the breakup of your marriage, we are pretty sure your “backpack” is quite full! With all of those painful emotions weighing down your “backpack” (and your time and energy), it is more difficult to nourish yourself, heal and move on with your life.
What it comes down to is this: every unresolved feeling you hold on to keeps you from being and feeling as good as you can right now. Holding on to grudges and anger can also create actual physical problems as well. Forgiveness is key to letting go and opening up to the healing you want. When you forgive, you actually give yourself the gift of a clearer mind and a lighter load. Remember, forgiveness is not condoning what was done or said, it is making peace with “what is” or “what was.” It is saying “yes” to you and your future instead of keeping you stuck in the past. If you are going through a divorce right now, we urge you to take steps toward your healing by forgiving.
Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.
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