Passionate Heart: Changing Your Attitude

    If you are in the middle of a divorce right now or your divorce is final, it might seem like you are stuck in a broken record of the pain of the past and trying to figure out what went wrong. You might also feel doomed to make the same mistakes in future relationships and that you are a failure and can’t get it right.

Take heart! You CAN learn from the past and let go of the pain and the stuckness of your old relationship. You can move forward to the happiness you want for yourself. Whether you were the one who chose to leave the relationship or the one who was left, here are two tips you can use to heal your pain and turn toward your future.

TIP 1: Take responsibility for only your part.
As much as we think it will ease our hurts, it is essential that you realize that usually both people bear responsibility in a relationship. The degree and intensity may vary, but when challenges come up, chances are that both people have played a role.An important step in healing from a divorce is to let go the “blame game” and turn your focus to what you want to change about yourself and what you would like in a new relationship.

Hanging onto anger or the need to be right will make your process more difficult.Taking responsibility means accepting the role you played in ending the relationship. As important as it is to own up to the part you played, it is just as important to allow the other person to own up to his or her role but not making your recovery dependent on it. Again, take responsibility, let go, and consider ways that you can change in future relationships.


TIP 2: Change your attitude through appreciation.
It may be difficult to hear, but the truth is that everything in your life (including your relationships) is a result of choices you’ve made. The good news is, however, if you don’t like how your life is going right now, you can decide to make different choices. This might require a shift of focus from blame to acceptance. It could take the shape of cultivating appreciation for what you have.

Opening to a sense of gratitude for where you are and the lessons you’ve learned is a positive movein the direction of what you are wanting in your life. In short, change your attitude to change your life.It’s tempting to close down and vow to never love again when you experience a relationship break up or divorce.

Conversely, you may feel the urge to cover up pain by rushing into another relationship.  We encourage you to choose another path. Choose one where you take time to learn from the relationship, take responsibility for your patterns, and find gratitude for where you are. On the path of responsibility and gratitude you can begin moving toward the relationships and life you really want! 



Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.