In the Zone: Time Heals Divorce

    People who seek out counselors and therapists are frequently trying to recover from a loss. This can be the loss of one’s job, the loss of a pet, the loss of a parent, the loss of a friend,
the loss of a child or the end of a marriage or a love relationship.      

A loss is an emotional wound. People who experience a loss feel empty, as if a part of themselves is missing or has been removed. Anger, sadness and depression are often part of the grieving process.    

I have been counseling people for many years and have helped many patients who are working through the loss of a loved one. Sometimes, I tell them this story as a kind healing tale.  Many of them have found it to be quite helpful.        

You know when you were a little boy or a little girl, you probably fell down while running or while riding your bicycle. And most likely, you bruised your knee or your elbow. And your arm or your leg probably bled. It may have bled a lot.     

Then your mom, dad or a neighbor came along and gave you a hug and comforted you. They washed out the wound and applied an antiseptic that stung a bit. When it was placed on your wound, you may have felt  like you were going to have  to feel a little worse before you could feel better. Then your caretaker applied a Band Aid that was just the right size. This helped you to feel less pain, safer and more secure. 

The wound may have felt worse for the next day and even a few more days or weeks. You probably had to change the Band Aid every day or so. And you may have had to wash the injured area often. But in time, the wound began to heal, even though you may have scratched at it times, like most kids do.       

After some more time, a scab formed, all the bleeding stopped and the old skin was replaced with some new skin. After a little more time, the pain subsided almost completely. You still had some good days and some bad days with your wound. The pain from somes wounds may not ever go away completely. But, sometimes healing, 80 or 90 percent is sufficient for us to carry on and feel generally okay.

As you can see, the mind heals from emotional losses and wounds in much the same way that it heals from certain physical injuries. So, if you or someone you love is struggling with a loss, think about the process of healing described here. Perhaps it will to help to diminsh the pain and allow you heal and to move  forward with your life.


Jay P. Granat, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, hypnotherapist, author, lecturer, found of stayinthezone.com. He writes a regular column called, "In The Zone," for divorce360.