Her Mentor Center: Finding your Identity

Q: My ex and I just finished a fairly amicable divorce but I am having more trouble than I thought in deciding what to do now. I'm finding it hard to remember who I am after years of being 'Mrs. so-and-so' and getting my own identity back is tough. How can I help bring my own self back to the forefront?  

A: Many women feel that, after spending years in a marriage, they have lost their unique identity. Their focus has been on 'we' and 'us' rather than on 'I' and 'me' and they have worked to compromise and adjust rather than to initiate and develop new personal growth. With the lack of recent experience in the art of self-promotion, it is common to feel that you need a prod to put yourself back out into the universe.  

You can find some direction in the present by both looking backward and looking forward. Use a journal to jot down your thoughts and emotions and think back to the past, before you met your ex-husband. What defined you then? What were your passions and goals? What did you want to do with your life? What motivated you and how did you enjoy spending your time? What were your greatest personal strengths? As you answer these questions for yourself, you will begin to recall what you wanted to do with your life in those days.  

Now, close your eyes and take a snapshot of how you see yourself two years in the future. Let your mind run free as you brainstorm. What is your perfect day like? What are you doing? Where are you? Who is with you? What, exactly, makes you happy in this scene? The picture that you visualize will be your guide as you set a goal to work toward. Your next task becomes defining the objectives you must meet in order to reach those goals. Once those are determined, you can proceed to get there by each step that you choose to take.  

Take into account how you have changed and what you have learned over the years. What skills have you developed that you can now apply to your new situation? Identify what you have a flair for. You can often use talents and abilities in innovative ways and in different circumstances. As you implement these changes, know that it will be a process. You will have many ups and downs along the way -- it won't be a straight, forward path. Your resiliency will carry you as you get a better handle on understanding who you are and transforming that identity into the new woman you are becoming.  


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.