Carrying a Torch for Your Ex?

Halpern gives another very important reason for letting go: if you don’t, you’ll never find the happiness you were meant to have. “Now your world is bigger and you have the capacity to create and generate your own happiness; and while a satisfying love relationship can be a part of that happiness, to hold on to the belief that only an attachment to this one person can make you happy is to hold on to an illustion that will more likely lead you to misery….Doubtless, some illusions add to life, but not the ones that delude you into staying stuck in an unhappy relationship.”   

FIVE STEPS FOR AVOIDING POST-DIVORCE STRESS SYNDROME:  

Step 1. Don’t fantasize the relationship.
You and your ex broke up for a reason, or more than likely, many of them. Sweeping those underlying issues — and emotions — under the carpet after the fact won’t bring back the feelings you first felt for each other. This is one instance in which time does NOT make the heart grow fonder.  

Step 2. Rid yourself of reminders.
Pack up anything he left, put it in the carport, and e-mail him to come pick it up, before you donate it all to Goodwill. Out of sight, out of mind really helps you to move on.  

Step 3. Forget the pity party.
Have a closure ceremony instead. Grieving the death of a relationship is a natural emotion. In fact, the process must take place before you can move on in your life. Memorializing your decision to do so is a momentous occasion, and should be honored as such. So write down all the reasons the marriage didn’t work — and why you need to move on. Seeing it in black and white puts things in perspective. Or burn some of the photos you have of you with your ex (or ones just of your ex). Best yet, break open a bottle of expensive wine and toast your new life, which will be filled with new experiences, and many new journeys ahead.  

Step 4. Hang with friends.
Your friends are your best support system. If an intervention is needed, they will be ready, willing, and able to remind you why the break-up had to happen. They saw you — and your ex — at your worst, when you were together. They also remember you at your best. Let them remind you what that was like, and how you can be that wonderful person again — by yourself.  

Step 5. Date around — and enjoy yourself.
Now, more than ever, you need to feel loved and desired. Your next relationship may be a fling — and that’s okay. Jumpstarting your love life is important to moving the rest of your life forward. Eventually you will find true love again. Dating allows you to take your time and explore many options. Divorce isn’t fun, but marriage to the right person can be fun and fulfilling.    



Josie Brown's articles have appeared in Redbook, AOL's Women Channel, Yahoo.com's Personals Channel and more. She is also the relationship editor at singlemindedwomen.com, and the editor of John Gray's internationally syndicated question-and-answer columns; and co-author, along with her husband, Martin, of "Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know." She can be reached at josiebrownauthor@gmail.com.