Book Review: Adult Child of Divorce

    Anyone who has lived through their parents divorce knows how tough it can be. More than 40 percent of all marriages end in divorce. So how do you make certain you don’t make the same relationship mistakes they did?

Elizabeth Joy LaMotte, a licensed clinical social worker and marriage and family therapist, has explored the topic in her practice for more than 15 years. She’s used that information as the basis for her book, “Overcoming your Parents’ Divorce: 5 Steps to a Happy Relationship.” According to statistics, the highest rate of divorce occurs for people who marry between the ages of 20 to 24, with 36.6 percent of women and 38.8 percent of men getting divorced during that time period. The older the age of marriage, the less likely divorce will occur, experts say.

LaMotte says her book can help, not just for adults of divorced parents. She said it’s also for adults whose parents stayed unhappily married for the children.” With five steps, she believes anyone who experienced the devastation of a parental divorce as a child can find a way to avoid those mistakes in the future.

Divorce360.com: Why did you write this book?
A: Again and again, in my personal life and my psychotherapy practice, I notice adults whose parents divorced when they were children going on to build very happy marriages. Yes, they fear commitment, as much of the current literature warns, but they frequently use this fear in a productive way – they use it to make selective choices about their life partners. Many, many adults with divorced parents have very happy marriages. This phenomenon has not been explored in literature, and I wanted to share some of these inspiring stories.

Divorce360.com: What do you want readers to gain by reading this book?
A: “Overcoming your Parents Divorce,” offers a hopeful message. I want adults with divorced parents who may be coming of age and struggling with dating and commitment to know that their struggles can be valuable. I want readers to consider that fear of commitment can be a good thing – a blessing in disguise – as long as you learn to identify it, figure out what it means and address it. The book is also a five-step guide for overcoming fear of commitment and building a happy relationship. I hope that readers will be inspired by the journeys of the clients and survey subjects described in the book. I also hope readers will use the five-step guide to begin breaking any dating patterns that are not serving them well.

Divorce360.com: What’s the best advice you would give to adults whose parents’ divorced when they were children?
A: Do not buy into all the negative messages out there. Don’t get discouraged by the literature that gives the impression that you are doomed to be unlucky in love. It simply isn’t true. Yes, divorce is a tragic life event that never, ever goes away. No, it does not have to mean a lifetime of doom and gloom for its children.

Divorce360.com: What do you think contributes to divorce?
A: There are many, many factors that contribute to divorce. The obvious factors would be infidelity, substance abuse and physical abuse, but there are many other factors. And there are many marriages that continue even with the factors that I just mentioned. Every marriage is different, and every family is different.

I do notice, however, that many, many adults with divorced parents have an extremely mature approach to marriage and are appreciative of the positive aspects of their relationships. A mature approach and enthusiasm about what is working in a marriage can do a lot to maintain and strengthen the relationship.

Divorce360.com: Your book includes a survey of 50 adults whose parents divorced. What do you think are the most interesting results of your survey?
A: Conducting the survey was a fascinating and rewarding experience, and I am so appreciative of those who shared their stories for this book. The most interesting aspect of the surveys is how they are all different – this is why it is difficult and misleading to make generalizations about adult children of divorce.

I do not highlight the happy marriages described in the book to imply that having divorced parents will automatically result in a happy marriage. I highlight these stories because they are so frequently overlooked when researchers and the media focus on the long-term consequences of divorce.

I was surprised about how many survey subjects had positive things to say about their parents’ divorce. The survey itself did not ask subjects to say something positive about having divorced parents. But many of the subjects mentioned something positive or hopeful in the course of their answers. On the other hand, I was not surprised that many survey subjects describe that they still struggle with certain aspects of what it means to have divorced parents. Divorce is a family event that never really goes away and the survey results affirm its lasting impact.

Divorce360.com: What makes “Overcoming your Parents’ Divorce,” different than the other books out there?
A: This book offers concrete steps for overcoming your parents’ divorce. The tips and suggestions that accompany the steps offer readers a chance to examine the meaning of their parents’ divorce, to better understand how the divorce may be affecting them as an adult, and to overcome  any patterns in dating that may not be serving them well.

Divorce360.com: Could this book be helpful for people who are having marital difficulty and considering divorce?
A: This book is designed specifically for adults whose parents divorced when they were growing up. However, the five-step guide and stories told in the book can also be useful for adults whose parents chose to stay together, unhappily, to adults considering whether to divorce, to mental health professionals working with persons with divorced parents, and for anyone who is struggling with dating and commitment. The five-step guide is user-friendly and provides a basic framework for forging healthy relationships.  


MORE ABOUT "OVERCOMING YOUR PARENTS' DIVORCE:"

The book, published by New Horizon Press in July 2008, is available for $14.95.


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