Are You Attracted To Bad Partners?

    Every week, I counsel people who are involved in unfulfilling, empty and, in some instances, self-defeating and destructive relationships. I see married couples, people who are living together and people who are dating who are wasting time, energy and their lives with the wrong person in the wrong situation.      

Relationships can be very complicated and difficult to sort out, since people bring their years of history, experience, fantasies, fears and anxieties to their love relationships. Moreover, people who have grown up in dysfunctional families are likely to select the wrong kinds of partners and are at risk for having significant  conflicts in their love relationships.      

Now, I will not attempt to solve all relationship problems in this week’s column.  However, there is one pattern that I think is quite common and which seems to explain  why some individuals remain and languish in unhealthy relationships for too long.         

Our fast paced society has become increasingly accustomed and used to immediate rewards and to immediate gratification. People want what they want right now.  The internet, widespread technology, fast food and hurried lifestyles are all tied in with our society’s expectations for instant feedback.         

I believe that people are bringing this sense of urgency, impatience and short sightedness to their romantic lives and to their love relationships. Some people seem to   get hooked on themes, feelings and behaviors that are all about the now. They are drawn to people to relationships that are hot, erotic, and exciting. Many of these relationships are fueled up with drugs and alcohol-more examples of our preoccupation with immediate highs and stimulation.         

People make the mistake of focusing on the present “intensity” of the relationship  and they fail to consider the “longevity” and long-term potential that the two people   might have with one another.           

To help patients clarify whether a relationship is good for them and whether it is a healthy connection, I frequently ask the following questions: 

1. Do you really love the person? 
2. Is this a healthy love which a good support, synergy, clear communication and genuine empathy for each other? 
3. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with one another?            

Now there are many more questions which need to be addressed during the  counseling process and many more issues to explore, however, these three are  a good starting place for many people who are questioning the nature and value of  their love relationships.  

              

Jay P. Granat, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, hypnotherapist, author, lecturer, found of stayinthezone.com. He writes a regular column called, "In The Zone," for divorce360.