Solution Lady: Being Single Can be Lonely at First

    He called me the other night to ask if I'd be available during the evening. He wanted to talk to me about a book he was reading. It was a bit odd, though, that he asked me first if I’d be alone.

He didn't call at the agreed time, but he did call later that night. He said he wanted to talk, needed to talk, and I agreed to listen, but then he said something that I caught me off guard. I didn't know how to respond to it. I was shocked and considered his request inappropriate, so I told him that I was going to hang up and I did. After the initial shock, I started thinking of what some people do out of loneliness and possible desperation. 

It is so difficult to imagine getting to that point unless you’ve been close enough to imagine it. Others may not always perceive what you do out of loneliness as the best of choices. I may have been quick to judge his words and actions and how he dealt with loneliness. It certainly differs from the way I deal with it, today. Sometimes I think that everyone should know what I know and should deal with it the way I deal with it now.

But then I start remembering how I dealt with it in the past. I start remembering the times when I used to go out to the bars and have a few drinks and bring a man home. I start remembering when I would smoke and or drink and then get on my computer and desperately try to find someone, anyone, to chat with. I didn’t realize it at the time that the alcohol, drugs and sex that I got was to mask my feelings of loneliness, fears of abandonment and of rejection. It took years of self-awareness, reading self-help books, journaling and counseling to figure out that those habits were not helping me resolve the underlying issues and beliefs that I held. I still deal with those issues now, but in a very different way.  

Being single at best of times can be quite challenging, especially if you also feel totally alone. How one deals with loneliness when alone is very much an individual thing. Acknowledging that you are lonely to someone and that you need to talk to someone, anyone takes a lot of courage and strength. To someone who says "Help me, I'm lonely and I just want to talk with someone I know”, “Help me, I'm so in need of human contact or of someone who'll be there in my most vulnerable time.”, I say, take a chance and ask someone for help, get involved with a group, go to a local coffee shop and hang out there, read self-help books, journal, believe in a higher power, go to bed and pray, hang-on just for one more minute, take it one day at a time, one minute at a time if needed. You are a worthwhile person to know and to love and someone/something out there and in you will help you to move past this moment. It will pass. You will feel better. 

Tomorrow will soon be here and you’ll be able to start your day with a new outlook. Believe that you have a loving spirit that was born through you with the sole purpose of sharing love with others. Believe that you are never alone; that there is a presence with you all the time that cares for you and loves you unconditionally. Pay attention to the clues, to people that have been sent to you and to your experiences. 

Loneliness is a human feeling that is put in place to feel one’s vulnerabilities, to see just how precious every moment is, to hear what we need to hear and to learn ways of moving forward with our lives so that we can share our loves with others.     



Linda G. Robert M.A., M.Ed., is known as The Solution Lady for personal, self-care, wellness and life solutions. She's worked in the mental health field and education field for several years as well as in law enforcement. Find out more about her at www.lindarobert.ca. Check out her newest booklet at http://www.myarticles.thesolutionlady.com/index.html.